Elder Abuse By Trusted Church Lady

Why didn't we see the manipulation, control and abuse? 

Living and coping with two medically challenged family members whose conditions were in need of constant attention my focus was on everyday survival for all of us and  trying to find some way to "normalize".

Our financial means were very limited and barely paid the regular bills. A major medical incident with one person, in this case two, was stretching our finances and resources far beyond what we could manage.

My husband spent over 100 days hospitalized, almost all that time in Critical Intensive Care. Then a month in an LTC to try to regain strength and hopefully better health. 

In a hospital bed, on the first floor unable to climb stairs due to two then three openings on his abdomen, needing to have bags "attached and changed as they broke apart" to "catch" the constantly seeping fluids. 

I was his caregiver. Our Insurance did not provide this "feature" and the cost was prohibitive to hire someone. 

Daughter was trying to stay and finish College as her brothers had done. 

I did double duty as caregiver for my Mom who'd lived with us since 1971, she was aging and although we did not recognize her having Dementia, it was there. LBD, Lewy Body Dementia, is often less pronounced in effects and affects, often slow moving and also seen as "aging" when it's far more.

Let's review what we know about Julia... who turned our lives inside out, upside down as she tore our family apart. 

Julia, seen at our Church but not a friend or even someone we spoke with regularly, we attended early services and she preferred later -- until she came into our lives and we began to see her across the Church which was designed "in the round".

She "volunteered" with the SVDP, Society of St Vincent de Paul, and offered to have people in the Parish provide dinner meals for our family for the first month my husband was home.

I vaguely knew her from being a Eucharistic Minister and we both took Communion to a residence for Older People near our Church. What I thought I saw was a dedicated and caring person was actually a disrupter. She also mentioned "working" with some older people in their homes. 

Our Church had a large congregation and was part of a private school for boys and young men. We didn't socialize with her or her family; my husband was active in organizations, my activity was with the school our sons attended.

As our "ordeal" with Mom and Julia progressed, I found out Julia also "cared for" older people in their homes, many who did not have relatives in the area. 

A regular church attendee who works and volunteers -- on projects that touch the lives of "Senior" church members has opportuniites & possibiliities to do good or cause harm.

She's trusted as she's seen as caring and giving; "walks the walk" and "talks the talk" leading everyone to believe she's motivated to give out of concern for all; has access to records of who's sick, needing "assistance" and residing in a Care Facility. 

We didn't "grab a coffee", there was no "friendship" or prior "relationship", she often led the religious service at the LTC when the Priest could not attend; this was all before my husband and my Mom both needed constant caregiving.

When she came to our house after my husband was home from the hospital, there were "brief conversations" and she talked about "working with older people in their homes"; she never mentioned if she was financially compensated.

Not knowing where she lived or anything about her, I thought she was someone who needed to  "work", was never focused on where someone lived, worked or their way of life. I didn't measure people.

Imagine my surprise when I discovered: She had an Upper Middle Class life, her father was in Banking, lived in an exceptionally nice home in our area, she attended Church by herself, occasionally with her son, very infrequently to the service we attended regularly.

Contrary to what she led my Mother to believe, she wasn't from a "poor area" like Mom. Yes, they both came from a very large family, but that's the only similarity. 

Mom left school in the eighth grade to go to work; Julia went to a prestigious East Coast Private college where she was on the Tennis Team and ranked very high, winning awards.

Julia became an RN after undergrad. We were not "friends" or even "acquaintances" prior to her volunteering to co-ordinate meals for the first month my husband was home.

Julia had many privileges; Mom worked to provide for her parents, younger children in the family, to support herself.

Julia and Mom came from very large families of eleven children; Mom lived in a small town, small house, father painted signs and hung wall paper. Julia lived near or in a very large city, on a large property in Kentucky "horse country", her father, a banker.

Mom felt fortunate to finish 8th grade and get a job cleaning and working in a  house in the big city across the River; Julia went to a very prestigious East Coast College, played Tennis receiving many awards. 

Julia was more my age, but Julia "built a relationship" on false representation and comparisons and/or taking advantage of Mom's Dementia, which, as someone who "worked with", volunteered "serving" the "elderly", was easy to do.

They both wore uniforms in their work; Mom was a beautician; Julia became a Registered Nurse.

When the month of arranging dinners from Church members had ended, Julia volunteered to "take Mom out" as she knew with my providing in home care for my husband, was becoming very challenging.

When Mom first started "going out" with Julia she was using a cane; after a couple of visits, Julia said she thought Mom needed to use a walker; then Julia felt she needed to have a portable wheel chair. 

From early Spring into beginning Fall, Mom's abilities didn't change but Julia manipulated and maneuvered us into making the changes.

I thought they were going to the Mall and other places where it would be challenging but good exercise for Mom to walk those distances. Little did I know they were going to sit and talk and that was the extent of their "time together".

Julia constantly wanted to "visit" with Mom in her room or go upstairs and get her or take her up to her room.

This "request" began after the first couple of times Julia came to  pick up Mom. Going out was what Mom wanted and needed. We'd always gone places together: Malls and stores, parks and visits to friends and family. 

My husband's severe medical condition required 24/7 caregiving. He had an opening on his right side and it was not closing, instead it was growing wider. Doctors never told us why and another entry will bring to light what we didn't see at the time contributed to his physical problems

Julia became Mom's "best friend". A woman younger than I by more than a decade and my Mom was in her 90's.

Elder Abuse can be done by "trusted" people in your or their lives. A "wolf in sheep's clothing" as the saying goes.

If I'd not had the challenges . . . of husband's being in a hospital bed in our home with his abdominal skin continuously opening, needing bags changed. . . my Mom's aging and developing what we did not know or see was LBD. . .

.

Julia became more and more 'involved" offering opinions, trying to become Mom's "advisor", never to me, now realizing Julia was manipulative and controlling to gain control of Mom and her limited "savings".

Trying to find a Day Care for Seniors for  my Mom . . . I found an amazing place Mom loved but because it was a JCCA (Jewish Community Center) facility, Julia felt it wasn't " a place Mom should be". Mom wasn't Catholic like Julia and the Center was open to people of all faiths, all races.

It Was "The Perfect Storm" created and crafted by Julia leaving scars that remain today reminding me the work I do to raise awareness of Elder Abuse, to start programs in the community for Seniors. 

I work with Memory Care Home Solutions and direct people experiencing "Dementia" to a prominent hospital in our area, BJC, "Barnes" for short, well known for its focus on The Brain.

ELDER ABUSE  is not limited to WHO, WHERE, WHEN, HOW or to ECONOMIC or SOCIAL STATUS, AGE or PROFESSION. This is a critical message I want to deliver.

ELDER ABUSE can be done by all ages, stages, male/female.

ELDER ABUSE can happen right in front of you or behind your back and it can be allowed to continue in Senior Living through personnel and visitors.

Keep a Diary, Notes, Create Correspondence.

Above all, if it looks, smells or acts like Abuse . . . 

or if it doesn't . . . look closer, listen and ask your loved one. . . 

What did you do today with "X", at "X" for "X"?

Elder Abusers come in all shapes, sizes and are not necessarily those in monetary need. 

CONTROL isn't about money. . . , 

It's about POWER & SUPERIORITY.

Julia, never asked if she could help in any way with my husband or assisted us to find help in the community.

Her eyes were "on the prize".

 

She never took Mom to places where she might enjoy watching kids play, like a park, enjoy the out of doors and the wildlife or even to the Mall where Mom could "widow shop" and enjoy "people watching" as she often did with us.

Julia was focused on disruption and distraction.

Not succeeding in getting into Mom's room upstairs, where she could "look over" or "look through" items Mom might have, take something and then probably tell Mom she'd "misplaced it", 

She convinced Mom I was "after her money" -- about $4,000 she'd set aside for her "burial" and enjoyed counting and occasionally adding to it when she received her Social Security.

She took Mom to her bank with the money and opened a Safety Deposit Box with both Mom and her name on it keeping keys.

I was unable to see behind the mask.

I loved them both husband and mother.

I cared for each as best I could. 

I write, advocate, attend meetings to learn about aging and Dementia, travel to see and hear those who are making a difference and positive change for our aging.

           NOW IS THE TIME TO PROTECT OUR SENIORS 

               Their Lives Depend On Each One Of Us

                   

Parenting: A Lifetime Challenge

How To Win A Disagreement when you're on the wrong side of the truth:

• Throw distractions in comments and remarks mentioning life occurrences so far in the past it takes time to bring them forward into the "thinking" part of the brain
• Hurl insults that aren't accurate and use language that blames, insults and includes numerous accusations
• Explode your power through cc's and direct sends to everyone of email messages altering and leaving out "segments"  & "sections" showing reality & truth
• Involve everyone even if it doesn't affect them directly
• It's your job to ensure confusion and promote negativity 

"Kids say the darndest things' is a quote from a talk show host who had a part of his show "interviewing" very young school age children who sat on chairs on the stage of his TV program in the earlier days of television.

Art Linkletter, Host of the show, moved beside each one with a microphone (a necessity back then) and asked each a question. He listened and watched. 

He often knew just the remark that might get a really interesting answer -- one the audience would laugh about but sometimes the parents would cringe and possibly "lecture" their child once home.

My oldest son takes a twist on this "funny" approach to communication. 

He uses "loaded language" to ensure conflict and continuing discord.

Unlike Mr Linkletter, my son isn't "putting on a show" but he is using children to get a response from his audience and in some ways they're both guilty of taking innocence and using it as a tool to get notoriety and recognition. 

Bright. Capable. Not to say the others weren't, he was just "the first" and therefore almost always "led the way" in terms of what was offered, what was given and what was done.

Eduation: Early start. Toddler. As soon as he was "toilet trained" which was 18 months. He walked at 8 months. Yes, walked, not tried, not stood -- walking....and almost running.

Sports: What's your interest? What would you like to try? 

He named it, we provided it. And, of course for the other two as well. 

We were "those" parents of the 70's and onward; there with the hand and the wallet outstretched. 

Grateful we still had a world; we were born mostly after, and some during, WWII.

We were children of the Post War era; parents who'd lived through the Depression; many started the movement to the suburbs; all wanted a better life for their children.

What do you want?  All you have to do is"ask".

What do you need? When do you need it? 

How high do you want me to jump, how many times?

How far do you want me to bend over backwards?

We'll go out and get all the equipment tonight after my challenging day working, we'll write a check for the membership/dues/donation -- whatever it takes, son/daughter, after all, we do it "for you".

Interested in computers? Science? Drama? Whatever! 

We Are Here For You to "in attendance" from acknowledging 

your first words and steps to your first date with wallet in hand.

Two jobs at once I'm trying to work. Trying times. We sat in lines on specific days to get whatever amount of gas was allowed, shortages, concerns -- but always believing "this too shall pass". Our lives were lived for "you", each of you.

Your brother has similar wants and needs.

I'll find the time. Make the time. 

For you, for him.
Enter a little baby sister. MUCH older Mom and Dad.

We'll make it, we always do somehow, we work together, with & for one another, that's who we are, that's"family".

 

College? Right! Take your pick. 

We can't afford some but we'll find a way to get you THE BEST.

 

We'll take on debt.

Years later.....you'll say you paid your entire way through.

REALLY?  We have the bills and the receipts.

When you came home to "reorganize" your way of thinking and applying yourself at college at their request  . . and returned. . . we took up the slack and the additional cost of your "lost" benefits because of poor grades. 

You'd had a job in local restaurant; we provided a car; you were paid and you received tips. 

Nothing offered or came from you for the time at home. 

No offer to pay for anything.

No mention of how much you made. 

We helped you get "readmitted". 

We gave you a monthly stipend.

 

You "needed" furnishings for your room. We bought them. Clothing? Got it. 

Want to "build" a special loft for your room. Consider it done.

Found a cat and took it in? Shots and food? 

Sure, we can help.

Fell out of a high window and needs to see a vet -- got it!

Visiting meant going to the grocery store and anywhere for anything you "needed".

 

We now had two of you at the same school but you didn't seem to notice -- and your sister who deserved a life -- but she probably embarrassed you coming many years later. 

We're in town, we buy it, if you tell us you "need" it, "want" it or it  will make "your life" easier. 

Rent a truck to cart the materials "to Your place".

When Summer roles around, we pay for the storage of that and other "college items" until you head back for another year of "fun" and "games" and some studying.

You need a car at school? 

Well, it's less expensive than flying you home for breaks.

Here, son, take mine. 

You drove where? What? Why? A little "romantic getaway".

You visited a cousin but no one ever told us about your "travels". 

How thoughtful of them. How deceitful of you. 

You lived off campus. It was hundreds of miles to get back "home". We thought you'd matured, grown, had common sense.

We were so wrong, so very wrong.

And that was only one time you "used" us and "used" your privilege for "self gain", no thought for or about others and certainly no respect for the sacrifices of your family.

That car was supposed to be given to your brother, attending the same college, who had two more years to go. 

But that didn't matter to you, the golden boy, the always being given what was meant to lead to a dream future but ended up building a multi level nightmare for your immediate family.

FAST FORWARD. More than a decade passed. Ups & downs. 

A marriage we did not attend because there was no regret, no feeling of shame about striking me down and your father, causing my teeth to be broken and others to be cracked. 

There were many actions and practices dishonoring your Grandmother, my mother, by both of you. 

When it came to the "wedding" after being told you were "Already married. You'd shared the Eucharist, had sex and there was nothing we could do about it-- after during a visit your "friend" took her birth control pill in front of me, Mom and your sister. Really?

And then there was the physical assault.

You "came to visit" unannounced, walking through the back door, she was outside in the car.

Demanding, accusing, verbally abusing

Storming out the front door

Your father working in the yard

I'd had all I could take of the abuse,

You and she, separately and together, provided

No respect for us, none for your Grandmother

You wanted what you wanted and you wanted it NOW.

I threw some words, you ran at me throwing your fists

Teeth on both sides of my mouth were broken

Your father tackled you; you beat on him,

You ran away as She started the car calling to you to "Get In!' 

No care or concern for us, your Grandmother or little sister. You both fled to "sanctuary", a nearby Church on the campus of where you went to school. 

Over the years, you take a "family" picture standing near the altar of a Church. Reminds me how we learned with Mom's challenges how deceitful and yet "pious" people can be.

You'd totally crossed over to a dark side where all that mattered was what you/what she wanted and were determined to get.

Wondering if you've shared this with your children, two are grown, at least with them?

Putting off repeat dental work due to financial challenges and being told, I should have gotten that done years ago". I did. It only lasts for a number of years and then must be redone.

We struggled to cope financially, physically and emotionally after using everything we had to care give for two immediate family members -- my husband/your father; my mother/your grandmother who lived with us since just after you were born.

Thanks, son, for loading on the guilt when it was already piled high by circumstances you create with something always setting you off. 

Then came the "taking home your toys so we couldn't play anymore" action. Only these are human beings, they grow up and some want/need truth and not just "being told". 

One has decided to seek & find. Just hope she someday realizes time is not infinite and she has a life of her own.

Your removing any and all contact with the children you began to have. Started with the first. Went on for a while. We came back together, not close, but communicating and meeting in your brother's home when we visited.

This is the third time, if I recall correctly. 

Five children now. He's a pre-teen or teen -- I can't bear the weight so I don't think about it. It's survival against more attacks and using the "children" as pawns.

We weren't told you were "expecting".

Or when the baby was born

If it was a boy or girl (a boy), a name or anything. 

This time the split was over your father and my gravesite. 

The one you manipulated into controlling completely and you ensured you had the sole right to owning the burial plot and the erection of a monument. (Added JAN 2024: burial Jan 2011)   

I emailed you I could't find the grave and how a marker really needed to be put up.

You responded, "If you want it so bad, do it yourself".

I will, just as I did for my Mother, your grandmother, I will.

What lies you tell about what you do. 

Like your grandfather, my father. 

You are self centered. 

You are focused on what you want.

Not helping family, not seeing needs, not caring.

I never understood my father and his self centered actions and I never will understand yours.

How sad you chose a woman who supports your actions,  perhaps encourages them. She gains, after all, more power over you. That's hard to write. Sad to write. 

I read letters you sent to us before you "hooked up" with her.

Between the lines I see you were "ripe" to be picked by someone who would accompany you on paths away from and towards what she wanted, what she needed.

I've often wondered. Wondered about her brother, who died of an overdose. Who had a mother who was a Nurse.

I admit I did not see what you were doing and had done but I cannot understand how a mother with a Nursing degree cannot see someone on drugs. Or, did she try and fail as I did with you?

I heard she passed recently and I'm sad for the loss even if I never understood how and why she did nothing during all the years that passed. It's also sad to think about, but was it her plan, also, no matter the cost, to get you alongside daughter?

Finding letters you wrote. 

Before "She" came into your life.
They weren't angry. They weren't hostile. 

They included some choices I see now as detrimental but saw then as "typical college student" and "typical first born".

Close your eyes. You can't see. 

You can be seen. You believe you cannot. 

When will you learn. When will you see.

When will you know the future depends on the past

Time will continue to pass. You have choices. 

When will you see truth and accept it?

I continue to have hopes my grandchidren will see and live in the light not choosing to move into the darkness.

Ghost Houses Destroy Neighborhoods

There's a movement to "discard"or "devalue" items from the past, or just the opposite, to place a "must have" on it when it seems to be in "short supply". 

Many are on line "demeaning" the "lifestyle" of the Boomer generation ridiculing how they live, what they've valued.    

The inexperienced in many life challenges and losses believe it's "their right" to create "ultimatums" for older generations they want to "give up, get out" of their homes and move into rented "apartments" or "facilities". 

Many are shouting on line about not finding homes to buy; how "expensive" they are and how "old people" are living in them when they want the space.

Builders have focused on building Apartments in the hundreds of thousands; look around and ask who will move there? 

Many members of the socio economic/investment focused "family building generation" of today are repulsed by the thought of the "enclosed space" and coping with kids running around inside where they're trying to "remotely work".

As in all societies, attack is usually made on what is perceived as "the vulnerable" and in human society, it's often the older segment.

The very young do not hold title to homes; the "aging" have built and renovated properties in desired locations.

This Next Generation of "followers" believes what they hear if they "feel" good about what's on their devices. 

The "old ways" have no value, the focus is on "me".

THE TUBE aka a screen large or very small has evolved from being black and white to "living colors", limited time/selection of channels to 24/7, reception from local to  around the world.

Evolving into a sleek, lightweight, carry everywhere, in the form of a "laptop" or "mobile phone", in "color", available on almost all parts of the Globe.

Anyone can decide what's "news", what's "entertainment", can "build a following" through becoming a "creator" and no responsibility to be honest or accurate.

Constant, continuous, non-censored for the most part, mega channels, with zillions of opportunities to see, search, listen and -- to be influenced.

In today's world, it's how you look and sound and what you say is presented to the "listener" the "viewer" accepts and "likes".

Available whatever time, whenever, however, with little regard for accuracy, reliable source or even TRUTH.

REALITY CHECK 

Boomers may be "empty nesters" but so are many Gen X who are in their 50's and beyond and productively producing and able to "switch housing" and "downsize".

Why uproot Boomers? Chances are their Homes may need more "investment" to be "livable" for you as they usually have one or maybe two residents who may no longer have the "income" or the "interest" in renewing, replacing, reconstructing a home they've lived in for many decades.

REALITY CHECK: If you research, and you should --   

It's not another generation creating housing shortages, it's individuals and companies  "investing" in a new marketplace -- short term rental properties.

Rental "vacation" homes are the hottest commodity and "investors" are taking advantage of this "gold mine" buying properties in cities, towns, "vacay" locations.

Sitting idle, possibly not maintained until the "Season" reoccurs, and almost certainly not continuously occupied, Ghost Houses are a challenge to a "home hungry" population. 

They're also causing challenges for Cities where forms of "occupation" are adding to the problems within a community as they're not being used for "couple" or "family" vacations but for illicit, illegal, highly profitable means.

You, my young friends, have proven to be the greatest ally of those who want what you want, to buy a house, to use for "their purposes" and "their wants and needs". 

And, you possibly feed it directly through "valuing" those "vacation homes" when you don't understand you're causing rising prices in the market AND eliminating home ownership by couples and families like yours.

Learn from History. read and study economics and business along with viewing TikTok and other sites.

You're intelligent and have access to great information at your fingertips. I had to hunt through paper card files, stacks of books and magazines.

City and County records in print in large books stored in rows with difficult to read titles, "on special request" often taking days and weeks to fulfill.

I believed then as I do today,  provable facts were critical to knowing and understanding truth versus conjecture or innuendo. 

Love of the product these "merchants" provide feeds the flame of investment buyers to satisfy your craving for "vacation homes" for you and "your friends".

YOU are the resource for their income and gain and the problems of finding available and affordable housing.

YOUR "short term use" of a house and the hundreds of thousands of others who want the same, are determining the housing market availability -- NOT GRANDPARENTS LIVING TOO LONG IN HOMES.

If you LOVE A HOMESTAY and will pay the price believing you're getting a bargain, this New World will "bite you in the XXX" because it will continue to affect supply and demand for housing.

YOUR COMPETITION loves the fact you've found the target they've convinced you is the problem.

Predators have always focused on "the more vulnerable".

So, it's a life lesson, if you want to learn. Remembering a short musical message, "Teach, your children well . . . " 

Will this pattern continue following the path of being indulgent, self-serving parents who believe "only the best" and "you and yours deserve whatever you want" ?

Will you be the generation who failed to see the reality of socio economic change through spending habits directing investment into areas directly affecting your neighborhood, city and farther?

It will soon be your turn, Parents, when your grandkids tell you to give up not only your home but your car, your trips, your lifestyle and more, because they deserve it.

It's what you taught and they became accustomed to -- getting what they want, when they want it, the way they want it.

You had the "privilege" of home ownership, doesn't matter it's "your home', it's what and where your kids want to live and it's time for YOU to move on. 

Explore, expand, most of all spend; when you no longer have that "inheritance money" your kids are counting on -- be prepared for the angry comments thrown your way.

Old sayings:   The Apple Doesn't Fall Far From The Tree &

                         What Goes Around, Comes Around

            

Ten Years Saving For Mom's Headstone

After my husband's passing we were struggling; almost losing everything we'd valued, worked so hard to obtain.

Daughter and I pulled together, working minimum wage jobs, only one car, making it work through intricate planning and my taking "assigned jobs for a placement service" often involving late afternoons/evenings, daughter working 9 to 5.

Financial and other crisis followed us every step of the way but we were determined to make the journey, whatever it took to move from where we were, to where we've arrived.

I was finally able to afford a deposit to create a Tombstone for my Mom's grave; she passed in her 100th year. It took eight years of putting away small amounts and getting out from underneath a mountain of debt.

I found what I thought was "perfect" for Mom-- she loved the color red, and in Missouri, we have a special red granite. 

It's limited, however, in being mined year to year, and we were told it would take two years or possibly a little longer until the stone was available and could be mined and carved.

After showing a picture and a sample of the red granite to my daughter, she agreed it was "the perfect choice". 

I saved some money I'd put aside from hourly wage jobs I took for daughter and me to survive. 

After showing the plans to my second son, who made a   side trip through our area on a business trip, and getting his approval, I made the deposit and the months passed.

We were family, making a decision we felt would forever tell those who visited her grave how much she was loved and meant to us, her family of decades.

Unfortunately, my oldest son was not included as he'd decided some years ago to remove any contact with me,       with his children, my grandchildren.

It's sad and unfortunate. I sent a message to his oldest son, after he turned 21, through LinkedIn. I'd hoped we could connect now that he was an adult. That was not his choice.

There are four others. Second oldest is studying Media & Journalism; perhaps she'll learn to see clearer than her brother.

My husband's passing before my Mom was like a knife cutting into me. 

Caregiving for two critically ill people at home and unable to work, trying to live on Savings and Social Security was . . . "challenging" isn't a strong enough word.

When Mom passed, I felt like someone reinserted the knife and twisted it.  

There were three years in between but it felt like three decades as we encountered The Church Lady I've written about in a previous part of this blog.

Death comes to all but it's how it comes that can create an upside down, inside out world where you can't find an exit and don't remember where/when the entrance actually opened.

The loss of two immediate family members, with whom you've lived for decades, is difficult to put into words. 

When it's complicated by events causing pain and suffering for the entire family unit, it's like a sore that keeps opening wider and wider.

Family is a unit that grows stronger each day when nurtured as ours was or apart when actions over years continue to cut deeply, as with my first son.

When one member passes, everyone feels the change and struggles in their own way to move forward. Our "separation" although attributed by first son to "me" was "my fault", actually began years before from his actions.

The loss of a beloved spouse of decades when you believe it could have been less traumatic with better medical care. .  

The loss of a beloved parent with whom you spent four decades as a multi-generational family, even though they pass in their 100th year. . . .

IS FOREVER LIFE CHANGING.

Mom was buried as she wanted, in a small town cemetery, on a small hill, not inside church grounds, with three generations of various immediate family members and other relatives.

When we began this journey to place her stone, we'd been visiting her gravesite at least once a year. We would visit my husband's gravesite and place flowers for him and some on Mom's grave for her. 

Sadly, we visited twice this last year as we recently buried one of my cousins, who Mom helped bring into this world decades ago and years before I arrived.

His Dad was fighting in European battlefields during WWII, his Mom had two other young children. I'm not sure I remember correctly but think Mom said the Doctor couldn't come, so she delivered the baby, my cousin, now buried a short walk over from where Mom rests.

He was remembered for all the ways he helped others in his small town and his love of playing the trumpet. Like his father and uncles, music was his second language.

Just a few weeks ago the call came. The Headstone was going to be carved and ready to be set on Mom's grave. 

Paid the balance. Stone was set in place. Second son came from the East Coast for two days to travel with daughter and me into the neighboring State where Mom requested to be laid to rest, along with generations in her family including her parents.

Mom wanted to be with her "first family" and so she is. I will be in another place. She made the decision long before I  was married. I honor her choice. 

Influencers Everywhere Truth Hard To Find

Old World. New Incarnation.   

As a kid I heard many.

Derogatory words 

Thrown by other kids.

Pig Palotta. Meant as an insult.

Yelling at the top of their lungs.

From a brother and sister 

Who lived a few doors down the street 

From our second floor, coal heated, cold water flat.

 

Thinking today it was because my last name 

was German in origin and theirs Italian. 

Understanding now what a child did not know 

about War, Invasion, Death, Destruction.

We moved when I was about nine years old. 

As years passed, many moves were made.

Major life challenges occur, 

Not all memories are clear, 

Concise or maybe even accurate.

Adults Used Truth Twisting

Envy. Plain and simple. 

Meant to Ridicule. Demean.. 

All to raise One to a level

Higher than another.

 

Back then, to get the “full effect”, 

You had to be in close proximity.

In today’s world you can be 

Anywhere On the Planet,

Time Zones are irrelevant.

 

AI developed with hopes of building 

a “better” and “more unified” world.

Now, it’s often the tool of many to demean one. 

Hiding or plain sight. It’s quick, it’s fast.

It’s easy to be seen & heard. 

Not just by one person 

By thousands or even millions. 

 

What’s old is new. 

What goes around, comes around. 

Not good. Not right. Not building. 

Tearing down.

 

Verbal ammunition.

Aimed specifically to harm.

Giving the abuser the ability

To “raise” the number 

Of onlookers

And -- participants.

 

Remove? 

Doesn’t halt. 

Raise Awareness?

Bullies have never listened

They have no concern

 

Click In. Click Out. 

Entertainment or Food For Thought.

True or False.

Influencer Compensated

Building Followers

The Almighty Dollar Rules

The Game of Life Once Again 

January, 2024

Death of a Loved One: Crossroads & Lifelong Scar

So many have come and gone since the deaths of my husband and then my mother as I look at a calendar. 

Husband in January 2011 and mother in January 2014.  

Moving into this "holiday time" with memories of loss of loved ones brings tears and laughter.

Changes, differences, accomplishments and achievements, positive and negative... it's life as it was becoming, life as it was lived before, and eventually years after, both were no longer living and with our family.

My Blog has captured a thimblefull of the waterfall of life experiences and many challenges that seemed to be insurmountable.

We faced each one, my daughter and I, rowing the life-boat through one wave after another that started small and grew to  tsunami size.

I recall last Summer, early one morning, daughter left for a day on a local river. Ever the mother, no matter what her age, I find words to express a little concern and a lot of love -- typical Mom stuff -- as she makes time to enjoy this special opportunity to be with friends. 

Swimming pools were not everywhere when I was young and so I never really learned to swim. I tried and made sure our three had swimming lessons and shared time with friends "on the water" and we took trips to beaches.

I "learned" to be around and sometimes in, but never really "took to" swimming pools, lakes and even the ocean. 

They can be beautiful, they can be treacherous, I love to look, admire and put a foot into, but an avid swimmer I have no interest in being.

Events we experienced along the way, during and afterward; many are still fresh and even influential in our life choices while others seem so far away, so distant and almost surreal.

How long has it been?  Really......? Or, That  Long ?!?  Family funeral on my husband's side and I'm surprised but then realize everyone's life takes different paths and only occassionally do we meet at a crossroads, like a family funeral.

Perspective. Compare it to if you're playing the music or listening -- most people don't pay attention to the individual notes, the notations written by the composer or even the exact nuances provided in the interpretation by the conductor. 

Those who participate in the action of the moment while it's happening, those who are most connected to the event, usually are the most influenced and affected.

Why is the death of a loved one like a lifelong scar?  It hurts when it happens, in the healing process there's concern for how long it will take, if it will ever heal completely and if it will someday be "unnoticeable".

The scar is a reminder. We choose how to see it and it will vary in appearance many ways many times as we move forward continuing our journey.  

Some will change their lives completely and the scar will minimize or even seem to disappear. 

Others will carry it and it will grow more prominent as the days, months and years pass.  

Finding the balance in life with this time and what follows is the key to continuing moving towards carrying, shifting the load and moving positively onward.

The "shock" of discovery, of finding 'hidden agendas" and "planned deception" and realizing it was like a puzzle where pieces were around you but not seen.

You look around and spend time while your loved one is in the hospital with Doctors and staff.

You attend "meetings" where the advice is -- "He needs to gain weight. He needs to eat more." It was a "continuous chant" by his attending staff including several Doctors.

They knew the truth. They created the problem They tried to hide it by creating a notation in the "patient record" stating a male Doctor who was not in attendance made an incision. "HE" was a "SHE" and not a Doctor.

The "scar" appears when your loved one leaves you -- it's there to remind you, invisible though it may be -- a precious life was lost and Hell on Earth was created by a voice on the phone directing a procedure without having the ability to see the physical area and who should never have asked someone who did not have surgical training to "cut into".

It took days and weeks spent in a special hospital area spending time that should have been spent alongside my husband but instead had to be spent in front of a computer picking away, line by line, paragraph after paragraph, hundreds, if not thousands of pages, for a hospital stay of 100 days.

It just did not add up. Why was my husband not getting better? Gain weight! That was the constant "mantra".

Medical Records tend to be challenging to comprehend. A lot of medical jargon and the continuity is lacking. It's not like reading a book or a magazine. It jumps around as each person "attending" each "incident" or "action" happens.

Then there's the "medical language" which requires a medical dictionary or sometimes interpretation.

The most alarming part is when you stumble across an entry where you were present for what happened and you see . . . 

A FALSE, MISLEADING AND DECEPTIVE STATEMENT

You should have sued many have said. 

Why did they falsify information, I was asked.

When crisis after crisis is happening and you're trying to find some way to understand what's going on, discover a link to a procedure which was totally wrong, done by a "woman" and NOT a "man" as was stated in the record.

NOT done by a Doctor, maybe not even a Nurse, or at least not one with any form of knowledge concerning the history or condition of the Patient she was told to "cut into" 

Or ...the knife slipped and instead of "lancing" it became cutting 

...Maybe, because of the status of the medical situation, she was not medically capable or trained specifically at the level needed for the procedure mandated by the Dr on the phone call and "she" was not medically capable enough to do anything other than FOLLOW ORDERS GIVEN BY PHONE 

. . . Question came to mind: how many "procedures" in ER's are directed by a Doctor on a phone call to someone in the ER and what qualifications are mandated by medical procedures for someone besides a Doctor to perform in an ER?

...Dr was not available in the Emergency Room at the time and "she" called one who made a decision without seeing the "patient" or "examining" him.

NOTE:  For those of you who are wondering why we did not sue the Dr or the Hospital -- death, financial challenges just hanging on, no one advising us to take that step, a friend who was a Doctor at the Hospital we thought '"had our back" .

The complications of responsibility of living as a family unit with my Mother who was experiencing more physical, medical and emotional needs and so we moved forward in a different way.

The addition of my husband's older brother being admitted to the same ER a few "doors" away with serious medical concerns and finding out his oldest daughter was taking her father "home" as she said,"to die". 

Aging Mom with medical challenges, brother-in-law in same hospital with complications of a daughter wanting to "get it over with" with her father.

Calling my second son to tell him about his father's advancing condition being told he was walking in his father-in-law's funeral procession.

We hadn't talked for a few days and the news was like a knife cutting through as I looked down at my husband, my son's wife's father-in-law, with rising concern for another life -- old wive's tale about death coming in three's when it comes in twos.

Today, I somewhat regret not pursuing what I feel was a major medical mistake. And, that they carried it farther and put my husband through a "procedure" where they "explored" the area which had to escalate and cause the extended stay, complications, and I added to his traumatic death.

They at least had the decency not to provide us with a bill commensurate with his stay but we had so many other costs and losses.

A Lifelong Scar I carry with me. 

One that will possibly never completely heal.

Sharing & Caring Builds Awareness & Action

I want to share my shock/surprise when I returned from my last trip in September to learn more about Senior Living and Senior Life Challenges and saw a number for visitors I thought I misread.

Surely that was 2,000 -- not 20,000? And climbing! 

Thank You. Please continue to read and pass along!

Look at the diversity, the inclusion, the wide and wonderful world!

United States, Germany, Canada, United Kingdom, Finland, Singapore, South Korea, France, Czechia, Brazil, Netherlands, Vietnam, Australia, Cambodia, India, Hong Kong, Israel, Sweden, Indonesia, and even a category marked "other"!

I wrote to "let it out" as the grief over not being able to see what was purposely hidden by the system throughout our country called "Senior Support" and "Long Term Care" is destructive and demeaning.

. . . and being told by one particular close family member I was harming people I loved, valued and respected, who lived on the other side of the country and rarely took time to connect or visit.

I'd start writing an entry and sometimes it would be days or weeks before I returned to add or complete one to publish or hold for the future. It wasn't an "easy write".

Last I'd seen, there were a few hundred "hits". Admittedly, I didn't check frequently, it was a "diary" of sorts yet hoping others would see the truth and the challenges needing to be changed.

After the trip, it was over 20,000 "visits".                                                                              I thought I'd read the number wrong.    

LBD, Lewy Body Dementia, had become more "visible" possibly because some well known celebrities disclosed they had this form of Dementia. Whatever woke us up as a society, it was a call to change.

It was so amazing to know someone, somewhere saw the light I was trying to move through the darkness of family life living with LBD.

My words reach around the world. . .  I am not alone!

My courage to walk onto this space, to share times that were life disruptive for our family.  To include my "self"; show how vulnerable, uniformed and lost I was; but the return could be others who didn't have to walk through the pain and suffering.

Trying to find a way to survive, to show "what's behind the curtain" of aging. Expose people who wear masks; harmful actions taken in trusted places.

We were and continue to be a family changed forever. . .                             

Thank You for giving me the courage to share and to continue to work toward more enlightenment.                                                                     

To change the desperation and darkness created by others, to hope for a better today, tomorrow and the future

For all ages and stages, everywhere a voice can reach, through the written word translated and understood.                                    

We face the unknown together sharing what we learn, bringing light into darkness and hope replacing despair.

Seniors Avoid LTC Like The Plague

When you no longer have the ability or the means to pursue life interests and you find yourself in a Long Term Care facility . . . 

Let's look inside where then and now are existing in a time warp because WE don't see reality . . . 

Until it's thrust upon us . . . and that's too late.

Come along with me to visit Mom's old SNC/LTC facility or drop into one and really look around, listen and learn. 

Mom stayed in her room; sat in one place; busied herself with what she had or found to do; and, waited ...waited...waited

to be told what to do, when to do it and how to do it. 

And this was when she was highly capable; it became far more challenging when she began losing capacity and capability.

Have you been told there will be "choices" and  many "opportunities"? Not in the "lower cost/lower class" mostly populated by "lower income producing and qualifying for Medicaid" residents.

No one really cared. 

They were understaffed and few families visited.

Mom had to initiate and show an interest, we were told.

She was taken to what she considered "mindless" and "childlike" activities that held no interest and she was bored.

The only computer in any type of accessible area was "off limits" and no resident was given permission to use it at any time. 

The computer waiting for an employee of the facility who had been given the ability to use it yet it sat in a room that was available to residents for "special occassions" by reservation.

We did not have the financial means and Mom's monthly check from Social Security went directly to the facility. 

Entering LTC, Mom lost the ability to control any of her SS. 

She was given about $30 a month and that was quickly taken from her in "services" from the facility. 

We provided for Mom, both daughter and I, working at low wage jobs with the goal to provide what we could and keep as much of our "prior life" functioning -- a roof over our heads, food on the table (no Food Shares back then), the lights and a/c or heat available even if only at the lowest levels, and more.

Mom "went into" a LTC not through our decision but through the manipulation and control of a "Church Lady" who came into our life.

One positive outcome was since she was "self admitted", 

I was able to finally get back into Mom's "good graces" after several months and she shared how the facility really treated her and we started searching for a "better place".

 

I looked long and hard to find for a facility that Mom qualified for -- we had to have her in Medicaid because she had no resources, no ability to pay, at that time, $3,000 to $5,000 a month for a shared room/bathroom. In today's marketplace, that figure can be even higher.

Those marketing pieces and glossy pictures and videos don't portray the reality of almost every SNC/LTC facility. Under staffed, run by people who focus on the bottom line (even the Not For Profits) and constantly besieged by more and more paperwork and less and less time to devote to services -- they are as "shelved" as the people they serve.

If you have the ways and means there are "better places".  But few in the Greatest Generation achieved the high financial status then required now to secure "good care".

Today's Baby Boomers are being "pushed" by many to get out and move to an apartment or residential facility. It's thought of by many as being "appropriate" and then "somebody else" has to shoulder the responsibility, the wants and needs.

Take a moment and stop, think and consider. 

What If YOU had to enter a Long Term Care Facility . . where would you begin, what would you look for, who would make the decision with you? 

Who gets good care?  Those who can afford it, with family members that include a doctor/nurse, attorney and well connected in the community. 

Like life, it's isn't just you get according to a cost,  you receive according to having influence and ability to affect outcomes.