Dementia Talk & Walk

 Moms, Dads, kids, have “the talk”.                                                                          Once in a lifetime? Perhaps more than once?

Walking away. Believing “duty” performed.

Sigh of relief feeling it’s done.

 

Who talks to us about Dementia?

As we run through life looking only ahead.

 

Who cares if we move backwards not forwards?

Struggling with an opponent wanting only to win.

 

Unnoticed. Unrecognized. Unwanted.

Why? When? How? 

 

“I think therefore I am” runs through yesterday’s mind.

“What was I thinking about……” now rings in our ears.

 

You can do this. You’ve always done this. 

Please, just try. Please . . . just . . . try . . . 

 

Where am I going?  

Where have I been?

Why do I want to?   

Why should I care?

 

Leave me alone. 

Isn’t it what you want?

Isn’t it what you need?

 

HEAR “ME”. SEE “ME”

I am here. Have been. Will be. WILL YOU?

 

Eulogy For Those We've Lost Along Life's Way

Tarnished Golden Years

Plowed the fields                                                                                                       Cleaned the toilets                                                                                                   Survived the births                                                                                                     Fought the battles

Shared the bread

Saved the water

Found the money

Paved the way

 

Treated like a commodity

Told we have little value

Pushed to leave "our space”

Shelved as “out of date”

 

Predators circle

Smelling sweet success

Family far away

 

Tricks no treats 

Circling, following, pouncing

Waiting, watching, wondering

 

Youth is blind

Middle Age wears an eye patch

Old Age is told what to see

Independent, Dependant, Interdependence

Dependency -- A terminology used by the US Census to calculate the population aged 65 and over and their need for care giving.

Ask anyone growing older and this is the biggest FEAR in their lives -- losing their independence, the costs, personal/financial, of the process.

Independence. Years are spent training and nurturing from birth onward to get humans to the point of taking care of themselves, those who have the physical and mental means and abilities.

We who are privileged with these capabilities and capacities, most often take them for granted. 

Many of us work to reduce, refine and redirect our capabilities and capacities, not realizing until we really start getting past our "growth" years that include self development, family and career, and head for those "golden years", this time is full of as many potholes, road blocks, detours, sudden stops and repairs along the way, as those encountered in earlier life stages.

Interdependence.  The ability of a society to value all of its parts and to accept and work through the challenges of everyday life.

We work together to set aside "isms" and create an environment where value isn't measured by who you are or what you are but simply the fact that -- you are.

Overheard in a conversation where I work the other day:  
Older people don't take to the new technology. 
They don't "want" it. 
They're satisfied with what they know and have. 
They don't know how to use it.

By the way, this person was in their mid 40's. He should know he's considered "old" by tweens, teens and those in their twenties. 

He should know his "views" and his "ways" are considered "out of touch" and "old" and they probably characterize him in the same way he characterizes others.

Viewpoint depends on where you are in life, what your experiences have been, what you've been taught, what you choose to see. 

Life is far more challenging today than just last year & continue to be. 

We're in an epicenter of a technological revolution where thought &  practice are subject not to what you can access, but tools you have & the way you use them to gain & use information & its benefits.

Keeping up with technology is an investment in time and money. As we grow into the later years of life, those are usually limited resources.

It's not about not wanting, it's about not being able or have the ways and means.

Aging is as significant an economic challenge as where a person lives, what level of education they have, what ability they have to move upward in their careers, the level of discretionary income and how they use it throughout life.

Today, technology makes systems obsolete and the costs of adding technology comes not just with a purchase price, but an increasing maintenance price. 

The US Census uses terminologies including "dependent" when referring to 65 and over who need care giving. 

The Baby Boomer generation is being portrayed as becoming a drain on our US economy. Isn't this easily said about any age with "special needs"?

Every day we hear about men and women in their twenties and much younger with diseases and physical challenge.

Many people in the 65+ age group add to the economic recovery but no one talks about their contributions.

• They work -- some at more than one minimum wage job
• They volunteer -- providing services and opportunities for less capable and less fortunate
• They donate -- time, money and skillsets to benefit individuals and communities.

Take a look at the birth year report

Use the U.S. Department of Commerce, Bureau of the Census. These numbers refer to U.S. births only and is in millions and hundreds of thousands (rounded off).

Take a close look. 

The "baby boomers" birth year starts in 1946 and goes through 1964. This was a time of rising births from 3,411 to 4,027.

Many men went to war and did not return. 

It's a span of 18 years -- returning to larger families.

Losses  of food production and hard times.

So, what "is" the problem? We're living longer. 

Should each generation  not have longevity?

 

Ask those who are Millenials or beyond if they want to "shorten' their lives or "extend them" and they'll vote for extension, as will all ages and stages.

Take a closer look.  1965's birth year was higher than 1946, but because there was a decrease from 1964, it's not seen as challenging. 

Even though the population showed a decrease in the years from 1990 to 1995, the population level of above 400,000 (that's a figure of millions, by the way), is higher than the first eight years of the "baby boomer" era.

Two generations after the Baby Boomers, Gen X and Millennials. Each will encounter the same challenges if all choose not to face the present and provide for the future.

The question becomes whether the younger generations will care enough to cause change before it's their turn to experience the change and become --    DEPENDENT.

What's the general health of the younger generation?  We're led to believe this is the "safety net" generation; the one we rely on to offset the cost of healthcare insurance, for example.

That was the basis for the Affordable Care Act -- get enough of the "Gen Xers" and "Millenials" because they have fewer medical problems.

What we've seen is how this group faces their own medical challenges:  cancer, heart disease, Lupus, MS and more. We just never talked about these medical conditions as openly. 

Age Alone Does NOT Define Capability or Capacity. 

We live with diseases and medical challenges we're still trying to understand and control how they affect our lives.

Infants through the most Senior level of our population share challenges and can live with limitations and challenges from moderate to severe.

Let's pull together instead of pulling one another apart. 

Realize and recognize the potential and possibilities of all ages and stages of life. 

Be positive, think proactively and as always, work to protect those without the means to provide their own safety net.

Originally published January 3, 2016. Almost ten years have passed. Nothing's changed. Few advances. Stronger negatives are put forth about "aging" and "being old and useless". 

Remember, readers, you're now nine years older and that time passed quickly as will the next 20, 30 and 40 -- dropping you into the Life Statistics of being "older' and therefore "less useful".

Boomers Pave The Way

As a society, 

we tend to assign behaviors, 

attitudes, beliefs and practices 

to specific age groups 

across the board. 

Listen to a forty something 

when he/she forgets 

a word or a phrase 

jokingly refers to this 

"missed memory" 

as a "Senior Moment".

Boomers are "booed" 

by many 

as "taking up space", 

"hoarding the best houses", 

increased consumption.

Never have I ever heard 

so much discord directed 

at an age group 

as I have by those 

who owe their lives 

to many who came before.

A constant complaint about

the "cost" of a generation 

who gave so much,  

started with so little.

Having the courage 

of their fathers

and their mothers 

to climb life's ladder, 

open doors 

for all coming behind.

We marched, we picketed, 

we raised our voices . . . 

in meetings, 

on land line phones, 

in stick shift cars, 

riding buses long distances,

for Freedom and Equality.

Our songs 

presented the problems, 

challenges of the times.

We held 

Hands across America

with our children 

standing beside

showing unity, 

community.

We started many causes,

saw many needs.

Working then and now 

to create a better world.

Raising awareness 

of those who work 

to tear us apart.

Boomers were once 

the "golden children".

On their way 

"up the ladder to a

life of comfort & benefit."

Boomers went to College. 

Even if it was 

the "new" Community College.

Created to accommodate 

the high numbers of births

after the War.

Needing preparation 

for "tomorrow's world".

Females whose mothers worked 

on assembly lines for our troops, 

walked together, advanced programs 

and started diversity & inclusion.

They had sons & daughters,

worked as teachers, 

in offices and on Boards;

stepped across lines, 

pioneered, led the way, 

showing the best directions.

The trend was moving women 

from assembly to check-out lines.

Away from the "Big City" to suburbs

to the not long ago vacant fields 

now filled with 

"little houses on the hillside, 

little houses made of ticky tack",

and the suburban shopping centers.

Those now "funny looking" 

aging men & women 

fought for freedom, 

came home to work crazy shifts, 

tried to advance 

on a ladder constantly moved 

towards higher & higher 

education, training.

Suburban housing developments

were created and gave rise to

"Millionaire Businesses" 

from services 

to retail 

and Credit Cards.

No more walking 

to the "corner store" 

or grabbing a bus 

or "trolley".

 

One car for work,

another for 

"the lady of the house".

The automobile 

became necessary

to get to 

the Malls and Strip Centers

where spending 

became a pastime for some 

and a necessity for others.

Then "the lady" 

did the unthinkable

She went to college. . .  

She competed for jobs . . .  

once "belonging" to "men". 

Did they really "spend" 

more than they made 

as many now accuse? 

Assembly lines faded, 

more giant high rise 

office buildings grew.

A "Brave NewWorld" 

develops with computers 

and home delivery.

With so much emphasis on AI, 

kids are being praised,

become popular, 

as they adapt and embrace

the art/science of AI.

Video games, 

programs encouraging winning, 

gambling, knocking things around -- 

and we wonder where all the "violence" 

we see and hear about has "come from". 

Ever hear a young friend/relative 

refer to some being"just like" 

Mom, Dad, Grandma, Grandpa, 

when there's a forgetful moment?

"Individuals" 

is how the vast majority 

of people want to be seen.

                           

Instead, we measure, categorize, 

assign and place people in Stats.

Society decides what's "typical" 

and the "bar" often moves.

Using polls, questionaires, 

even medical records.

Supplying information 

for behaviours, conditions.

Like any other statistical 

or marketing poll, 

you get out of it 

what you put into it, 

often producing inaccurate, 

insufficient guidelines.

Dr Benjamin Spock

might be the cause 

of Statistical Reasoning.

 

Unless you're a member 

of the Boomer Generation  

you probably do not recognize 

the name of this very prominent 

physician, writer, 

and a top Influencer of his time.

He was the first medical professional, 

a pediatrician, to "characterize"

or "group" children's ages.

You may recall the "Terrible Two's". 

Advice from infancy through adolescence.

Dr Benjamin Spock, 

taught another lesson to Boomer mothers.

  

He championed the concept 

of continual learning, 

growing, developing,

and being "care givers" 

for another generation.

It's anticipated and believed 

the child will "outgrow" 

certain actions and reactions 

with direction or intervention.

Today, we embrace

a different approach.

Those machines 

we constantly have our fingers on 

are there to retrain and restructure 

according to whoever controls them.

Society in general 

doesn't believe 

the aging adult 

is going to 

"get" better or "outgrow" 

actions or behaviours.

We are taught to believe 

the aging are all moving into 

that valley, that depth of life 

where only memory loss 

and physical loss of capability exist.

It is inevitable and non-reversible

to be expected and anticipated

One benefit of AI

is 24/7 ability

to use resources

to gain knowledge

to understand.

Boomers are not Aging As Expected. 

They're not sitting 

in rocking chairs on front porches.

Many hold out on going quietly 

into homes for the aging.

Boomers set a different path 

listening to a different drummer.

Boomers marched, picketed 

and their music 

reflected the conflicts 

and the challenges of the times.

A generation 

forming large groups of protestors 

to bring to light wrongs 

to work to bring about change. 

Boomers continue 

to honor those who went before them.

Aging as they choose to age.

Rejecting stereotypes,

Working for understanding.

LOOK OUT WORLD. 

Senior Moments 

change and create 

the world as we NEED it to be. 

Millennials may be the turning point; 
Baby Boomers are the force to be reckoned with.

Fine wines are aged. 

Human Aging is like a fine wine.

Boomers Pave The Way

Building highways into tomorrow. 

Asset To Society -- A Scary Phrase

Who defines 

"value" in humans -- 

of any age.

To who 

do we apply 

this "measure"?

This gift 

of long life

we used to 

highly treasure?

To aged 16 

who tell us 

they can drive 

so let them vote...

Raise the level 

of responsibility, 

consequences, too.

Bear the costs 

of your demands 

to be "grown"

Get out there on your own!

Give Us Your Homes! 

Scream the youngest 

climbing the hill.

They have no wisdom, 

only the "will"

We live in the future 

you live in the past

Our ways gave you hope 

to not be "the last".

We are rising, 

we want, 

we need, 

we deserve.

 

You've given, 

you've gotten, 

now we need 

to be served.

 

Go To  

"Aging Communities" 

where over the Hill

Defines 40 

as verging 

on needing more pills.

Move on, move away, 

You've taken and had.

NOW . . .  

give up, give in, 

give it . . . to "ME".

 

We want what we want,

You've taught us this way

We won't wait . . . 

NOT a single more day

Most of all -- GO AWAY

Who makes these decisions, 

these policies?

Look ahead and behind 

and surely you'll see. . .

 

Generations before 

were taught 

"you have to wait"

Today we teach youth 

it's all within your grasp.

 

Just reach out and you'll have . . . 

Whatever you want 

is yours for the taking . . . 

It isn't always necessary 

you do the making.

Where are YOU 

on this journey 

of self over others?

If you aren't included, 

raise your voice

The others are shouting 

so loud there's no choice

Some say

Each day 

we draw closer 

to our time 

of devaluation. 

I prefer to believe

We are all necessary 

and provide variation.

Look Behind The Curtain IN PROCESS

Let's take a look behind 

the "marketing" and "tour presentation" 

statements for many Long Term Care facilities. 

First area of "inspection" -- DINING.

Dining As It Appears:  

Walking in you'll see tables, often a TV, 

Maybe it's a combination "community room" 

used for visiting musical groups or for other uses. 

You're told how residents are "encouraged" 

to come to the dining room. 

How the staff has been trained in "

white glove individual service" 

and it's like dining in a nice restaurant. 

You're told.

If for some reason 

they can't get to the dining room 

or would prefer to "dine in their room", 

this is simply accomplished 

by the resident calling ahead 

and ordering what they'd like. 

Picture, if you will, 

someone with poor eyesight 

given a list with items on it 

about the size of this type. 

The list is in columns 

but isn't organized, just randomly posted. 

On any given day 

certain items 

"may not be available".

 

The resident, 

who has difficulty making decisions 

due to advancing Dementia, 

or just indecisiveness, 

now has to make another choice. 

Reading is challenging.

Listening is confusing.

So they ask for and receive

What "they always order".

Reality Dining:

This mulitpurpose room 

may be used several times a quarter 

for meetings and other events 

and closed to residents. 

Residents dine in the dining room

on their floor or in their room. 

This can be for one meal: 

breakfast, lunch or dinner 

OR it can be for an entire day.

Dining on the resident's living floor

is in a small area where residents

who cannot travel the distance 

or do not have the mental or physical abilities 

to sit with others due to either behaviour 

or limitations are regularly dining. 

No conversation possible.

Do not turn away. 

This will not change

It will be "your way" someday.

Dining begins and service ends at a set time. 

If you don't make it, you may have to settle 

for whatever might happen to be 

in the refrigerator on your floor 

and due to "cutbacks" that's possibly 

now limited to ice cream, 

bologna sandwiches,

maybe some low fat milk.

Some would say it's "service'

Others would say it's "control".

Life Lessons Learned

Some say you can adjust, make the best of a life challenge.                                   It's like falling into the "rabbit hole" of Alice in Wonderland.

You try your best, do what you can and often "go with the flow".

Here's what I wrote as we struggled just to move day to day:

Daughter and I are both trying to find full time jobs.

We're both working part time.

Can't afford to work on Commission basis.

Need consistent income to overcome and just pay bills.

With full time jobs, we would have some security.

We've found "gigs"--always waiting for the next one "to appear".

One day out of many. We needed desperately to be different.

We both had the day off. This was unusual. 

We had enough in our "budget" for the week to use the Gas                                             we had in the tank and replace it. 

Decided to "splurge" and take a chance,                                                                         to continue to survive, move forward.

We, separately and together, felt the need to feel close.                                           That meant traveling to Mom's gravesite.

To gain strength from being "near" as we did for years.

A journey of more than 100 miles round trip,                                                         providing some peace -- now that we've returned.

It's been difficult at my work lately. 

Challenges I'm not sure I want to continue to endure.

With no other opportunities, I keep believing in tomorrow.

Like many others, we move from day to day.

We know this time provides the basis                                                                           for our keeping a roof over our heads                                                                     and food on the table.

I know I can't walk away until I find another. 

This is the typical "world of work" and I am only one of many.

There's one "challenge" I face many do not -- 

Not so easy to find work "at my age".

Mom's life was her example to me                                                                                    of personal strength and caring beyond yourself. 

She taught me to believe in my "self'. 

I'd practiced that lesson many times over when she was around.

How Old Are You?

Usually sidestepping I decided this time to face the question and see the reaction.

She visibly jumped and immediately reached to put her arm around me even though I'd been walking on my own.

What's with this "age group"?

We were taught it's "not polite' and even "inconsiderate" to ask someone's age, race, educational or marital status.

Closest we've come is asking "Where'd you go to High School?" and that's after a conversation about where someone "grew up" starts.

We "birthed" this Gen and their offspring?                                                                   They seem to think today is where we've lived consistently.

It takes them time and often it requires a mixed age group for these "Gen Xers," who are actually close on our heels but don't realize it because they're so busy going through life stages they can't see where they are and where they're going.

Death walks in and reasoning walks out the door. 

I liked her, I still do, but it amazes me the questions 50 somethings ask directly.

No preparation.  Didn't know her name or relationship.                                                     A person obviously related; the Memorial Service was very small.

What happened to "polite conversation"?

Manners seem to have moved aside to instant gratification.                  

Where are the "manners"; not asking "personal questions" we taught?          

She seems bright and capable but this "direct question" of someone I just met is far too personal -- would she ask a contemporary what size Bra she wore on first meeting?

I know! She's amazed "people my age" aren't bent over, shuffling and having trouble processing simple sentences.

I like you but you really need to "get out" more and mix with all generations and not just see "growing older" as "getting senile".

Death isn't confined to age groups or "getting older'.

We are all, however, facing that "final curtain" and do not know when it will be drawn across our life. Even for Gen X the day grows closer.

Beginning of The End

In these words, I find the strength needed to share

Knowing you, who read, have a reason.                                                                         Need unfilled, often critical in timing and purpose.

A journey concerned, caring and confused, maybe alone.                               Medical error; no one admits

A few come to visit, some express concern.                                                                 Advice is their "contribution". Misinformation abounds.

Time and funds limited.                                                                                               Sons married living hundreds of miles away.                                                               Daughter trying to stay in college.

No cell phones or computers that could send pictures.                                 Believing each day would bring healing, life would change.

Lied to by the Hospital and the Doctors.                                                                     "All he has to do is gain a little more weight."

They knew what was happening to my husband.                                               They changed his dressing on the incision.

Record keeping often typed.                                                                                       Easy to "adjust" to "cover errors & omissions

The Dr writing them made the error.                                                                       Never set a foot near my husband on that fateful night.                                       Gave the direction on the phone to "lance" .

Infection or inability or both created a deep incision

HE was a SHE in the ER; short staffed, definitely.

SHE was unable to help my husband

         took out a phone and made a call

         followed orders given uncertain of how to proceed

        did as she was told

HE  was not in the ER

       was somewhere he didn't want to leave

       did not ask the right questions

       caused the beginning of the end

       did not appear all the time we were in the ER

       wrote the report, signed it stating HE did the cutting.

Sight unseen, she followed his direction              

He never saw the patient

He never ensured a Dr made the incision

How harmful his "advice" would prove to be

His failure to ensure competency led to my husband's death

It was 2009, personal computers were rare but hospitals had systems. 

No Dr attending. 

"She" made a call. 

Received directions to"lance" 

She did exactly as she was told.

Beginning of the end.