Self Centered Parenting

Retire. Retry. Redo.                                                                                         Rewind. Recreate. Recraft.

Life's simply a journey, from beginning to end.

Time can be a weapon, time can be a friend.   

Putting in time doing what others tell you to do . 

To earn time for what you want, it's true!

Grandkids in the picture? 

Kids live far away?                 

Visits “on screen” give moments on occasional days.                        

They grow older and we feel drawn to connect.              

What did you fill their minds with that’s so incorrect?          

You can’t control them forever. False info will collapse.                         

With minds of their own they'll see and they'll ask.

Grandparents abused by those who gained so much.

Fortunately have others to love and to touch.

Two are out, three more to go.

Each day they become, soon they will know.   

When will YOU grow up, how old will you be?

Will I still be here or will he and will she? 

Give it a chance. Give it your all!                               

Whatever you do, try never to “fall”.                

They hold you above when you've stood down below.     

How will they react when they truly know?      

Your day is coming and your time is near.   

What you've done unto others will bite you in the rear.

Time waits for no one, especially me.    

I’ll extend my hand, my heart and let’s see --

If each has the courage to connect with -- me.

One by one they grow older each day.                                                

Your influence and control wanes in so many ways.                   

It’s not being stubborn, it’s truth taking too long:                       

False accusations, actions meant to wrong.                                 

You both stand in the darkness embracing its call.                              

Sadly unable to see yourself fall.                                                       

You lit fires and sewed seeds. . .                                                     

Never aware of the weeds.                                                             

We’ll create a lifeline.We’ll somehow connect.                                 

You can’t control them forever, as much as you try.                   

And if you do succeed, one belief still applies:                                   

We’ll meet in due time, on the other side.                                               

CRITICAL INFO: Medicare/Medicaid State Operations Manual

Attending a meeting of a group I started at Mom's facility, a Family Council, family members expressed many of the same concerns, problems and issues we faced during Mom's two year stay. (Note: Written in 2014. Shows my positive involvement for decades and sadly how after ten years we're still struggling with the same challenges.)

New Administration in now for almost two years; new food service just put in place. What's changed? From visiting, observing and now listening to family members, very little. In fact, in some areas it's getting more challenging for residents and their families.

With this in mind, decided to go back through my dozens of files on information concerning Rights of Individuals living in facilities and putting them here, on this blog, hoping more people in the United States will be drawn to reading small sections and passing this blogsite and its information along to friends and families.

SUGGESTION:  Make a list of these Rights by exact entry, number and quote the verbage as it is written. Your voice has more meaning when you use this approach. Copy it down, don't depend on memory; carry this one and the others I'll write about with you. When needed, you'll have them with you.

APPRECIATE GREATLY THOSE WHO "LIKE" THE BLOG AND "FOLLOW" US. (Note: There were a handful compared to today, May 2024. I am so amazed to see how people around the world are reading and sharing with others)

As we age we all face a time when we will be "taken care of" by someone other than ourselves. We may need to live in a facility. That place should be safe, welcoming, and provide safety, security and compassion.

This entry begins an overview of areas I've found highly important for those who walk the road of responsibility working with or managing the care of a loved one living in a facility.

You can access the manual  Transmittals PP by going to the following site location. Just checked and it's been updated!
http://www.cms.gov/Regulations-and-Guidance/Guidance/Manuals/downloads/som107ap_pp_guidelines_ltcf.pdf

It's a few hundred pages long and a great reference.  As time passes, these entries may contain additions or deletions, there may be more sections. Please check for the latest information if this is blog is being read far past the posting date of 11-07-14. 

(Wow!  Ten years ago I hoped my voice would be heard. It's now early May 2024, the future and over 67,000 views.

Here's to 100,000+ with your help, my continued ability to seek, find, attend conferences and meetings and share so you and others have the ability to see what's available, what needs change and how you and your loved one can move through the challenges of Dementia.

CHALLENGE:  In facilities, it's mostly verbal communication. Even though they're required by law to keep written records, during visits and at Resident Care Planning meetings we did not receive any written report, everything was verbal.

What's your experience? Reminds me to find a way to put a Poll on this site. Learning as I go. 

P.S. Creating a NEW Blog Site where we'll have the ability to communicate and more info can be shared.

Here's the exact citation from the Medicare/Medicaid State Operations Manual governing ALL the United States as linked above:

#1  Resident and/or Legal Representative has/have the right to access by verbal request all records. FACILITY CANNOT MANDATE A WRITTEN REQUEST

Why do you think this is important, verbal being enough to obtain records? Possible physical challenges limiting ability to write; eyesight challenges or other limitations often come with aging.      
                Limited abilities should not limit accessibility.

§483.10(b)(2) -- The resident or his or her legal representative has the right-- 

1. Upon an oral or written request, to access all records pertaining to himself or herself including current clinical records within 24 hours (excluding weekends and holidays); and (ii) After receipt of his or her records for inspection, to purchase at a cost not to exceed the community standard photocopies of the records or any portions of them upon request and 2 working days advance notice to the facility.

Interpretive Guidelines §483.10(b)(2)

An oral request is sufficient to produce the current record for review."

********IMPORTANT TO REMEMBER FROM ABOVE************

(1) oral OR written request for access to records

(2) access MUST BE granted within 24 hours --

                        (excluding weekends and holidays)

(3) AFTER receipt of records for inspection, to purchase at a reasonable community standards (think library copying or Office Supply Store) standard photocopies of the records OR ANY PORTION of them

(2) 2 working days advance notice

PLEASE NOTICE:  There is no time of day/night specified allolwance for your completion of your examination. 

UNLESS THERE ARE OTHER FEDERALLY  OR STATE MANDATED LIMITATIONS, you have the right to review these documents (1) more than once (2) on a basis of multiple days.

THE CHALLENGE. Unless you request "all records" and include any "historical records on file obtained from outside sources" or specify exact types of files, reports, papers, you may be given whatever the facility "wants you to have" and claim those are the "records".

RESIDENTS AND LEGAL REPRESENTATIVES:  You have the right to request a formal, written copy of the resident's Care Plan and any and all reports that directly affect decisions made by the facility on that Care Plan.

CHALLENGE:  Discovering what records are kept by their "in house" name or "State Required Title". 

Another quest as I move forward sharing and opening doors.

TO PROTECT OUR SENIORS, to judiciously manage their care, to ensure effective use of funds through systems we all pay for -- Medicare and Medicaid -- more effective record keeping and sharing should be a top priority.

Question: Did you know you, the resident, or the appointed representative and/or both, can review and determine and consult outside of the facility or get another opinion (probably at your own expense, but you have that choice; check your medical coverage) concerning the Care Plan.

KEEP THOSE COPIES. They're valuable papers in understanding treatment and progressions or regressions.

MY GOAL:  A COMMUNITY WORKING TOGETHER.

My writing, your reading and for those of you who choose, your submissions of additional information, will protect our loved ones when we cannot be with them, and ourselves, as we age and move through various life challenges and stages of life.

A Sincere Thank You For Sharing This Blog With Others

Mother's Day Without Mom

Mom laid on the bed, the uncomfortable, hospital bed, without anyone in the Long Term Care facility caring enough to provide her with a more comfortable last earthly place of rest. 

Bethesda would not allow us to have "Hospice" unless we chose "their Hospice".  They refused (now know they can't) allowing us to select our Hospice provider. In critical times, thinking rationally and constructively sometimes is forgotten.

To the very last it was all about "how much could they make", never what could they provide for her journey.

Daughter and I found a small area on each side of her and as our bodies touched, we felt the warmth slowly subsiding even though Mom's hands were continuously moving. 

We'd seen those movements hundreds of times as she prepared with us for guests, family and friends, to arrive for life celebrations and just ordinary visits. We were a multi-generational family from the time our first born was just a few months old  -- over 40 years.

Only daughter and my each taking a hand, holding it lovingly in ours and telling Mom/Grandma, "It's all right, you've finished the work you've wanted and needed to do. You can go now." 

"You're looking forward to being with family and friends," seemed to provide the release she needed to leave this world and our family unit.

Mom's hands were active to the very last breath she took.

No one came to counsel us, checks on her were few and far between, they were simply waiting for what was "inevitable" -- and then there was the movement of her remains without any consideration for how it affected anyone experiencing and witnessing the "procedure".

SO COLD. SO UNCARING. Just another death for the facility. 

To be expected? She was "old". Was it really "her" time? 

Or was she no longer "useful" to the facility and to society who both determined the level of "caregiving" to be given and how it affected the bottom line when they controlled the pursestrings.

My husband was given a special mattress when he was in the hospital; but this place, this uncaring place where most turned away and just "let it happen" while providing for those who "paid extra" by using their facility's "Hospice Care" were accorded the privacy of a special room.

Mom was on Medicaid, as thousands who "live beyond" life years expectation and their savings or other "convertible assets" find their journey. 

Our older population is being characterized as a  "burden to society" as they no longer produce "income", do a society's measureable amount of "work", or serve any "recognizable purpose".  

In reality, they valiantly lived through times and ways of life their Great and Great Great Grandchildren refuse to tolerate and even demonstrate and become activists for causes and beliefs.

From Politics to Home Ownership -- our "Elders" are being told to GET OUT, MOVE OUT, you're "useless". 

Shades of generations ago in less civilized societies. 

It's now 2024, we said our last goodbye to Mom in January, 2014. 

Looking back. I realize there was more I should write . . . this entry and several others I started. . . . and then life...as always...seemed to move me away; need to survive, to cope, to adjust, became the focus. 

For those who walk directly alongside on the journey from where we are to where we go, the road is filled with so many variations from smooth surfaces to huge potholes, from high visibility to dead stops due to impossibility to see where you're going.

Some say when they hear she died going into her 100th year how "fortunate" she was to have lived so long. Mom's life was filled with challenges and obstacles, born into a family that eventually had eleven children, ten of who would survive late into life. 

Mom and her family members gave of themselves, the greatest gift we have, for others, in service to our Country, on the front lines and on the  assembly line making parts and pieces and taught us the ways to ensure we value the world around us, natural and human made.

All the boys, six of them, served in the Military, one landing on Omaha Beach and others also "at the front"; the youngest "not allowed" to enlist, went to Canada to protect the Border and served with the Royal Canadian Mounted Police.

In those times, most children were fortunate to attend school until 8th grade and if they made it the full last year, they were very fortunate. There were four girls, five actually, one died as a baby, and Mom was the second oldest with two younger sisters.

Then it was "out to work" to help the family. Mom's older sister by ten years, "Tillie", really Matilda but that wasn't what she wanted to be called, had moved to the other side of the Mississippi River to the very BIG CITY of St Louis and into the State of Missouri from Illinois.

Mom followed and they both worked as Domestics, one of the few ways "country girls" could work; a hard life and one with long hours -- cleaning and cooking.  This was a "good job" for a thirteen year old where she could send money home to help care for her two younger sisters and one brother and share a place to live with Tillie and several others.

Duty and Service. Family and Country. 

During the War Mom worked for Carter Carburetor on their assembly line; a job where someone else controlled the speed of the always moving belt carrying machinery used for the War Effort    "Over There". Many injuries, long repetitive actions hours, few breaks

and always the concern to do more, faster, and with less.

I know Mom felt she was helping as many women did and trying to keep the wheels turning and the troops advancing so the day would come when the work would be done, World War II would be over, brothers, sons, uncles, friends would once again walk beside them.

She married "late in life" for the times, into her thirties. because of the War and few men of her age group "stayed behind". Mom met a divorced man. At her age this was common, not like today when marriage often occurs in later years.

I don't know what attracted her to him or IF she realized he was an alcoholic. Alcoholism was rampant among men yet never labeled for what it really was. 

Even into the 1950's, it was  a "personal problem" and one considered to be "of choice", when it was often used as a way to dull the senses, attempts to remove mental images and try to escape the never ending horrors many had seen or faced.

Dad had two children from his first marriage. I discovered this family history only through seeing a picture in an open drawer of him with another woman, a young boy and a young girl but never told about them and only realized what I'd seen decades later.

There was no Ancestry.com, no Internet and information was often hard to find and resided behind closed and often locked doors.

Because of the War and the economy, many men turned to numbing themselves with alcohol. 

My Dad's "brand" was Hill & Hill, a convenient "hip or breast pocket size bottle". Whiskey. The kind that many build a tolerance to and so it takes more and more to "have an effect".

Mom said something once about getting married to help "Joe" not have to return to military life as men in their forties even with children were being "re-enlisted" to replace so many who died on the fields of battle -- he was twelve or thirteen years older than Mom.

Conversations about these "subjects" were not for children and even when I was "old enough" I didn't ask questions, didn't want to "ask about the family history" knowing Mom's life and mine had been very traumatic as we lived in fear of Dad's temper when he drank.

Dad believed in "spare the rod and spoil the child" -- only it was his belt he used. 

He also believed (having come from a Catholic family) in punishing through having the "offender" kneel on hard floor surfaces -- never a carpet -- with stiff, straight posture ensuring the back never bent. 

I don't recall being forced to pray but Dad always sat in front of me, watching as he consumed drink after drink, almost waiting for me to move or start to collapse to show his "authority" through snapping the belt sometimes in front of me but almost always against my young body trying hard to withstand this form of "punishment" for whatever he'd decided was"wrong" at the time.

This was a practice of many households, even my Mom's, where her Dad, as many did, sat at the table with their belt handy, ready to raise it and apply it, for any real or perceived "error or omission".

Mom said she was sad to leave her Mom but looked forward to not having to be around her father. Then she stepped into the same "dictatorial" relationship when she married, Joe.

Mom's life was hard work and caring for and about her brothers and sisters. Her marriage went from bad to worse and she always told me the best thing about it was -- she had "me".

Another time I'll write about how we lived, how we fled a life of fear, ran in all directions trying to stay ahead of Dad's ability somehow to find us, stand outside where Mom worked and shout humiliating false accusations about her to anyone who walked by. Not now.

For now, it's about my mother's amazing hands and how they gave so much to so many.

Even on her deathbed, she was working, most probably helping in the kitchen, one of her favorite places to show her love for family and friends.

Perhaps she was cooking and setting a table to welcome all who came, who joined together for everyday and to celebrate life's milestones and memories.

It was time. She was ready. All preparations were made. 

Mom passed.

It wasn't a time we expected as she'd been in relatively good health for her age except for the Lewy Body Dementia we did not know about until the last few months after a hospital stay when she had a reaction to a drug she was given causing the Hospital to say "they thought she might have LBD". 

It was late 2013, the internet was in its infancy for research and content. Libraries didn't have information. True human connectivity would arrive years later and open our eyes and lives.

Dementia was lumped into that one word then and continues to be referred to as a "group" of  mental/physical" challenges just beginning to gain recognition as a medical condition that may be preventable as we have done with other "afflictions" causing pain and suffering.

LEWY BODY DEMENTIA ASSOCIATION:

https://www.lbda.org 

This secret thief of life has been recognized.

New possibilities and opportunities open doors and windows.

We can recognize this thief of mental ability, work to control and eventually eliminate its destruction and realize Dementia may be fully avoidable and at the very least managed as it develops.

Someone you know or you, will surely be exposed to this thief of mind and body functioning until we join together to learn, to understand, to eventually eradicate this destructive human condition.

READ.      LEARN.   UNDERSTAND.     ADVOCATE.

Life is a gift to unwrap in all its layers and folds to understand, learn and help one another with their journey and our own.

Another Predator Enters Our Family Life

May 2024. Ten years since Mom's passing 14 since husband's. 

Our journey was filled with medical and life interruptions looking back we should have seen as "signs".

Here & Now was just yesterday and will be tomorrow.

I've focused on bringing into the light and lives of people information from personal experience, challenges with the "system" in place, experiences, lessons learned then and now, still applicable and needing change.

How we can walk alongside loved ones, friends, family members and those we meet along life's path.

Currently I've been working for and with a relative who has their own version of "the Church Lady" 

A man, a neighbor, who saw an opportunity months ago when my relative's wife was diagnosed with Cancer and it was fast moving. 

Yes, please don't think a "predator" is one type or age. Male and female, young and old, can take advantage. Causing great loss and tremendous personal challenges.

It's a Jungle out there! Those who are weakened by physical, mental or emotional challenges are prey for those who see this as opportunity to gain for themselves. 

Putting on a mask of "wanting to help, being concerned" the fear of loss prominent with Cancer for her and medical challenges for him.

The "predator" steps up and "counsels" the already concerned and emotionally challenged with the BIG FEAR -- loss of everything they have TO OTHERS -- having to go into a facility and losing all assets including home, property, savings, etc.

All the while this stalker is gaining the confidence of the weakened and concerned Senior.

To me this is the lowest of the low but apparently others see this as taking advantage of an opportunity "they" want and need and this "older person" won't be around that much longer.

Some predators apparently believe they should "replace" a family member OR step into the line of succession acquiring assets because they've "performed a service" for the Senior.

Befriending for personal gain is a common practice. 

Influencing a Senior for personal gain  in times of severe life challenges is beneath being human. 

What can you do? Good question. 

One place is to go is to your local Ombudsman office. They vary in capability and capacity from State to State and can have different names, making it a little challenging to find.

Start there. Look for other Department of Senior Services and do not give up. It can be a complicated system, however, it's a human life, often of someone near and dear to you and worth the effort.

Just had a thought as I move down this Road I've decided to continue traveling. Can't say it will be tomorrow or even next week but with the help of my local Ombudsman and some other resources, perhaps I can share with you the opportunities and possibilities for you.

Noticed there have been "readers" of this Blog from around the world and I have no knowledge of what your country or area may offer or have available if any. 

ANNOUNCEMENT:  I'm looking to move this site because it's a limited format and there's so much more I believe can be included and offered with a more "open" Blog.

Hoping you'll join me on my journey and will find a way to let you know when this "dream", this "plan" becomes a reality.

Thank you. Appreciate your continuing visits and telling others about this journey I'm sharing hoping others will benefit.

Multi Gen One Home Living

Number of Americans who live in multigenerational family households is about four times larger than it was in the 1970's. while the number in other types of homes grew by far less. 

The share of the U.S. population living in multigenerational homes more than doubled over the past five decades.

Forty Years Living Together

Four decades creating a single family home for three generations 

Mom’s generation worked until they died and sometimes it happened in the field, the garden, the kitchen or the bedroom. 

Girls were trained to nurture and adapted to being trained to manufacture carburetors and even bombs.

Baby Boomers debuted into a Brave New World where women would eventually be treated almost equally and for some years have rights denied their Mothers.

Too chaotic for you and yours? Melding, merging, three generations. Who’s the “parent” and how does Grandma or Gramps “step back” or do they “step forward” and become the “enforcer”?

How many of you recall the saying of a few decades ago “It takes a village”?  In our community, we were the only ‘multi gen” family for a couple of decades.

 We’ve been in our current home, after moving around the country, since 1978 – over forty years. 

Just as we are redefining who each of us is or wants to be, we have the ability to choose how and with whom we want to live. MultiGen Living is a choice not many make.

Ever watch an orchestra being led by a conductor? Different instruments. 

Individuals with specific skill sets used in unique ways.

Instruments that could stand alone.

Together the range and scope of the music is wider, more complex and more interesting.

To us, it was natural. Mom was a beautician, she fell and broke her wrist, Dad was out of the picture years ago finally passed when I was going into my second semester at college from the alcoholic life he lived. 

It’s not for everyone just as some choose not to have children, some couples lead totally separate lives except they do it under one roof. 

Sources:  Retirement Living Sourcebook  

                Pew Research                                                              

 

 

Passing The Generational Torch

Is Lewy Body Dementia passed down generations?

Grandma birthed eleven children, ten survived infancy. 

All sons went to WWII except for the youngest.

He served as a member of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police.

As we grew older, we noticed next gen medical challenges.

Children and grand-children. 

We've learned through Science and Medicine over decades.

Genetics play a large part in our lives.

At a young age we don't listen, we don't hear.

We believe "that" will never happen "to us". 

Sometimes we're right. Sometimes we're wrong.

Original family, Aunts & Uncles, split into two segments.

Some went to "the big city" across the River.

Others stayed in and around the small town.

Environment, we learn, also affects following generations.

Physically, mentally and emotionally.

Exposure to chemicals supposed to enhance our lives.

Ingredients put together, spread on food growing in fields.

Water treatments. Housing materials.                                  Exhaust from vehicles.

We use. We bury. Even when we find them to be Carcinogenic.

We disturb the land putting in sewers, roads, building houses. 

Nearby, but not directly "on" the contaminated soil.

Or so we tell ourselves.

We hide their adverse effects and claim they're necessary.

To "protect" like those who will be called as our National Guard.

For extra duty when riots at home break out.

When Wars are threatening our shores or those of our Allies.

I remember my husband's once a month "Reserve Duty".

Escalated to weekends biweekly and then weekly.

His "specialty" was critical to defense.

What was in those "necessary" shots he received?

How would they affect to protect those of us waiting at home...

Anticipating having children/grandchildren... 

never being told if our loved one's bodies...

were compromised by mandated chemicals.

What did he pass on to our children?                                         

How might they without knowing pass it on to theirs?

What will we find out about Dementia's "roots" or "causes"?

Do we already know but must wait until the generations most affected are no longer with us to "reveal" connections?

Whenever we see a story about these "life challenges" . . . 

There always seems to be something more prevalent superceding and replacing.

We don't just give our children the benefits,                                                                                                          We pass along the challenges of life.

We pass it through and often continue,                                                                                                                                     For generations to come.                                          

Care Giving: Cocooning With A Purpose?

We become "wrapped up" in our own lives after the caregiving for loved ones has ended.

We left regular life as we thought we knew it; we moved in another time and place as caregivers. 

We do it out of love, out of a sense of responsibility or for any of a dozen other reasons.

Sometimes it takes courage to look around, probe and find something that should have been obvious, should have been done days or weeks ago even after the care giving ends.

That's life. That's coping. That's survival.

For me, it was composing a couple of blog posts after some time of putting nose to grindstone, going to work, anticipating daughter's coming entry into full time work after months of preparation and sacrifice on both our parts. 

She attended a fast paced although often frustrating program meant to train her for a career, hope, a way out of our being on the wheel of life so many tread and we'd slipped onto.

I clicked through areas on my site where I can "administer" things. I found comments from readers.

I knew many were reading but longed for someone, anyone, to communicate. 

It was uplifting and then it was being dashed to the bottom of life, again, reading a blog by a writer who started writing in 2010 and is still adding a few comments although it appears her father has passed and her mother has just passed.

Courage and dedication from this writer you can see for yourself. On the website you can click through to the latest entry I've just read. 

She was the youngest, she cared for two parents she details as both being abusive during her life with them. 

Believe she mentioned there was a gap between her and another or others in years of birth being substantial -- like my daughter and my sons. Yet she stood by them, cared for them when others turned away, walked away or simply "went on with their own lives".

Although daughter and I have a great relationship like Mom and I had, I'm concerned about the years to come. 

So many choices. So little real direction. 

But I will walk this road at a much more informed and capable pace than my mother and my husband. 

Their lives have provided this insight, this knowledge -- unwanted at the time but so necessary now.

Advertisments on TV make it look so simple. Buy this Long Term Insurance, make a Will or other provisions including all the documents to try to "cover" every possibility. 

Wish it was that simple.

The variables and the outside challenges aren't always predictable. 

So much that should be done takes funding and takes planning. 

Even with that, there is no guarantee our loved ones won't encounter challenges, life struggles.

Who would have envisioned two immediate family members both needing extensive round the clock care; the invasion of our lives by an outsider who gained our trust and then used Undue Influence to tear our family apart? 

Who would have believed this would be done with the assistance of those we're told to trust and believe in and who we must turn to in times of need -- Medicaid, DHSS, Ombudsmen (VOYCE in our area), bankers, friends and even some family members?

Read almost any blog on surviving as a Caregiver where there are any challenges detailed and you'll see the same story with slightly different variations on a theme -- the theme of Senior Services Non Existent or Greatly Reduced.

Red Tape so long it would stretch to the edges of the galaxy and people around you who can't believe, don't want to believe, or simply cannot see the challenges, daily strifes and losses experienced by Caregivers.

Yes, we build a cocoon or rather, it's built for us. 

Each of us builds the cover that surrounds us, the one we believe protects those we care for and ourselves.

It closes around us even when we believe we see light.

Then comes the day when we begin to emerge.
We're changed. We have new abilities. 

What will we do with what we've learned, what we've seen and what we now know?

Choices. Changes. Cocooning With A Purpose?

Chickens Live Better Than Seniors

Readers: We need your compassion & your support.

Recommend this Blog to three others. 

Ask them to do the same.

                

Change comes from knowledge. 

It's made one person at a time

We bring to light experience, knowledge, concern.

Thank you for shining light into darkness.

United Healthcare on their website posts: 

What is nursing home level of care?

"Nursing home care is provided mostly by licensed practical nurses and nurse aides under the supervision of a registered nurse. Care is focused on activities of daily living, like dressing, bathing and eating. This is often called "custodial care."

Many fail to see or consider the conditions within many Long Term Care Facilities often referred to as "Nursing Home Care" or "Custodial Care" leading to abnormal lives for our elderly.

Several organizations have risen up to call for more humane treatment for chickens on farms where they spend their lives in squalor. 

Humans simply turn the page or click onto another site esp when they don't have a loved one "experiencing" LTC.

Chickens and humans both react to mistreatment. Humane Societies and other private animal rights organizations were formed to protect animals and they're becoming more and more effective in shutting down puppy mills, rescuing abused animals and providing better living conditions overall.

When will we recognize the current Long Term Care system is stagnant, ineffective and creates living conditions we don't tolerate for animals but allow for loved ones?

Even Encylopedia Britannica Advocacy has "jumped on" the bandwagon for chickens 

This is a section from the entry on the above site. 

INSERT THE WORD "SENIOR" FOR CHICKEN:

"Chickens are sociable, intelligent animals. 

"Studies have shown that they are able to solve problems. . . 

"Their natural behavior includes living in stable groups . . .

"The chickens in a given flock know . . .recognize each other." 

The article goes on to talk about how the chickens react -- often upset, angry, fighting. How they live in the excrement and how they get sick.

I walked down halls in LTC's noticing a hint of floral or spice in the air. The purpose was to cover the smell of urine and excrement.

Report it, right? To whom? The Administrator who was overwhelmed with being short staffed, reports overdue to higher interests with large investments looking for her to reduce the bottom line and raise the level of profitability.

The One and Only RN on duty for a facility numbering well over 100 residents? The LPN whose responsibilities already exceed human capability? 

Seniors Are Often Confined

Mentally isolated or pushed into unwanted social settings.

Have their walkers taken away.

Limited in movement by wheelchairs that function poorly;

Not fitted to their bodies or ensured adjusted when needed.

Seniors left to "GO" -- to urinate or to defecate in their paper pants that barely hold what's passed. Seniors provided with flimsy paper pants of the lowest quality simply to cut corners and provide funds.

Sitting on a toilet continuing to press a buzzer no one answers.

Short staffed, exhausted attendants, two hands and little else.

Seniors are placed in "groups" not their choosing or where they're comfortable.

All meant to contain, control, limit movement and mobility

Assigned to tables day after day and not allowed to chose where they'll sit; a placard often shows their name and that's where they're expected to sit.

Placed in areas or left in their rooms, isolated and without activity and human touch.

Overworked aides and short staffing numbers cannot provide adequate attention or assistance.

Close your eyes, now envision:  

Twelve people want to attend an activity on the first floor.

They're on the third floor. 

The two elevators accommodate two wheelchairs each and that's close quarters.

 The "activity" is half an hour in length. 

There are four attendants on the floor; one is needed for each 10 rooms and there are over 20. 

Who goes, who stays, who is privileged and who left behind?

Easy answer from personal experience:

A resident who has a visitor who can help them .

A resident who can move their wheelchair quickly, reach the button to summon the elevator, get on without crashing into someone or another chair already in place

Be capable of moving both forward and backward without running over someone's feet or bumping into walls or objects.

Is this how you want to live? 

It hurt to see and hear and know my hands were tied trying to survive a life of basic survival outside those doors

It hasn't changed and to make matters worse, our "younger generations" are screaming at our "older and oldest" :

Get Out Of Your Homes! We Want And Need Them, You Don't!

Administrators and Executives can have large salaries and even benefits including private club memberships where they "supposedly" mingle to get more "donations" and "funds".

QUESTION:  Where's the outcry? Where's the uproar? Where are we as a society when we protect our animals and children but not our Seniors?

What do our practices show about us as the supposed leading Nation on earth economically?

If we cannot provide for and protect the most vulnerable

If we do not act and respond effectively and completely to their needs

If we fail to provide for them -- what will happen to the rest of us when we reach their age and stage of life?

Life is precious in all its stages. Work for change. 

Stop the current movement wanting to displace Seniors demanding they "move out" and "move on". 

Middle Class or Survival Class

Made it through.  Another Anniversary. 
I thought the first couple, the first few would be the most difficult. 

I believe the intensity is more today because life is returning to the Normal of being able to live, as daughter describes it, as a member of the Middle Class rather than the Survival Class.

When we were struggling, existing day to day, with destruction on all sides rather than support or consideration.....

When where we were was so different from what we had, what we gave to our sons, what we provided for other family members....

When some family members chose to harm and hurt and walk away....

When we were "sub-normal" because we refused to do what we were told and so deserved whatever we got or didn't get in life...

We'd always been self sufficient....providing for ourselves....giving to others....sharing and caring...

He was there, my husband was there, when we lived a "normal" life. 

We were moving into, through, beyond the "interim" TOGETHER. 

We were a family. A Multigenerational Family. 

A family who reached out to others, involved in building businesses and a home, working in the community, active in our Church. 

We traveled. We entertained family and friends. 

We were just like you who read these words living a life we worked hard to create with challenges, opportunities and rewards.

The America we'd dreamed about and told was "our place" as we moved through life supporting and sustaining one another.

Last night we decided to have dinner out. Some do it frequently even "ordering delivery" but for us it wasn't in the budget.

Not even a stop at a fast food place could be considered. 

We'd moved from the "haves" to the "have nots".

There was no real end in sight.

For so long, hand to mouth, no potential change, just future "hope".

My life was a widowed  working older adult and daughter's life moving from early adulthood into full fledged, fully responsible 

twenty-something as a  co-provider and sustainer.

She didn't get the "perks" her brothers received. 

She  had "responsibilities" and she never asked  

Thrust into the world, not transitioned as they had been.

Before her time, in ways far below what her brothers' were provided. 

Like going down a drain, from a large entry to twisting turning world. So different from the life husband and I built and sustained together.

 

Before he and Mom entered into the last chapters of each of their lives together and eventually with one surviving the other, for a while.

I'd suggested the "dining out" to move beyond the preceding days where what I did brought to mind too many reminders, experiences.

No longer just memories of times past. Reminders of never to be experienced or created NEW memories with him, my husband, my friend, my mother, my friend.

I was picking daughter up from work; she's usually in a car pool  and occasionally we drive sharing one another's company.

Each goes about our days as we climb and scale the mountain of shouldering together what once was in the hands of four people is now in the hands of two. 

Two who stand together while many question and even ridicule this choice, this belief, we are better together than we could possibly be each on our own.

Asked her to choose a place. Coping with challenges and responsibilities with deadlines while going through the prospect of another anniversary alone, another realization of the separation, the last times spent together and daughter's loss of father and Grandma.

Reminding myself how fortunate I had been and for how long doesn't take away the pain of the loss, of the missing the continuation of those times.

Did we have a "perfect" marriage? 

Were we "perfect" together or as a family, as parents? 

Of course not. 

People don't have insertable programs or updates we receive to ensure what we say and do are always totally correct and in the everyone's full and best interest.

As before, it's an ocean, this life, with ebbs, flows, rises and falls, storms and amazing sunrises and sunsets both far out and close in.

Daughter and I had been doing more "cleaning out". 

That and her going through her own individual personal and professional life adjustments were taking a toll that was visible. 

New opportunities. New possibilities. 

Decisions to make. Choices. 

Deadlines. Responsibilites

You'd think after this long a time (several years -- going on seven for husband/father and four with Mom/Grandma) -- we'd have exhausted the possibilities of removing, sharing, picking through and providing to others for their use.

(Update from original writing: Husband since 2011; Mom, 2014.)

Reality is we cope with daily life that has been often moving forward through basic survival from day to day and not knowing where we would be in days and sometimes just in hours. 

Jobs for both were minimal and we had low financial means.

We'd experienced a water problem in our basement.  

Our attempts to try to resolve the weed problem outside in the front of our house and using a thick covering of mulch meant accumulation of rain water and overflow came inside.

Daughter and I consoled one another....we'd been wanting to do more "sorting through" and "getting rid of"; this was a prime opportunity. 

We didn't like the circumstances but sometimes it's what's needed and necessary -- that "push" when we'd felt we couldn't sustain another "self push".

Clothing from years past had been put in boxes and in our attempts to clean and clear out areas, we'd put the boxes on the unfinished basement floor.  

You guessed it ... the cardboard absorbed the water and we had to decide -- pitch or keep and if keep, we'd have to wash and re store.

Another "purging" yet so much accumulation; hard to recall we'd had a fire several years ago that wiped out so many memories.

Life and death, laughter and tears. memories created to be remembered and then lost as years took their toll.

It was the joy of being together that today has the greatest value even as we move, daughter and I, into years ahead not knowing exactly where we're going -- only where we've been.