Ties That Bind

Written and saved, January 2011

Shared for a very short time.

Pulled, closed, too soon.

Years have passed.

Feelings remain.

Someone reading

will understand

how time cannot erase

. . . the ties that bind.

Those first few years 

my husband's death 

was like walking

in a fog.

I remember 

the first year 

without my husband.

 

How did I move 

through that time, 

those days 

after the early morning 

of his passing? 

Back then

I couldn't write

about those times. 

Now I find words 

come to the surface 

wanting to be seen and heard. 

I still get a lump in my throat,

tears that form deep inside. 

I've not found it easy 

to cry since we parted. 

For me, 

it's taken 

going through 

the total change.

 

It's what happens 

when the cycle of 

your living/dying experience 

has moved past a point

each individual life marks. 

For me, 

it was his death, 

Mom's death,

and the death 

of our long time 

family pet, our cat. 

Mom always said,

the "good" and the "bad"

often come in threes.

She had many interesting

ideas from her culture.

Time of beginning, 

different perspectives, 

moving into 

another phase of life -- 

a change 

as significant 

as night into day.

When my husband passed, 

I went through a few of his things 

while our sons & families 

were in town for the funeral.

Ties. 

Easily shared. 

Value is perceived.

Memories of providing for family.

Enjoying celebrations through decades.

 

They were a part of who he was.

I enjoyed finding them for him.

Proud he chose to wear them

Loving him even more.

Brought enough 

for each Son to choose a few.

Never thinking they'd try to

split all between them.

Guess neither thought

their Sister would cherish.

Caught in the web

of loss this was a small "gain".

Thankfully one held back

taking all or she and I would

have none to touch.

Remembering, 

recalling,

our amazing life

shared 

with family & friends.

Now pictures, papers

Cards and memories.

Made to enjoy and recall.

Focusing on our lives together.

Be grateful. 

Cherish the moments.

Recognize the end

comes too soon.

Measure not by time.

Hold close the moments.

When they pass 

Only the memories remain.

Parents Do The Best We Can

Darkness falls

When light fails

So far in

No longer a sin?

Rampant today

Fixed, not remedy.

What do you do when

your son or daughter 

"turns" on you? 

They mis-remember 

or choose to "twist" truth?

Rewriting their lives 

and those of other 

family members.

 

To conform to what 

they believe "now".

You honor their request 

even when it hurts.

When the mandate is 

"NO CONTACT"

The choice is not yours.

Five years and counting. 

A new grandchild arrives; 

no announcement; no contact.

Wait! Intercession. 

Wife of other son 

asks "them" 

to come to her home 

while you're visiting. 

It's a long trip, 

you're only able to make it 

once a year. 

Concerned about meeting 

the youngest 

who was born after 

the "dictate" of their father 

regarding "no contact".

Concerned about 

the younger two 

and the older two -- 

they've been "raised"

with prejudice and with lies.

Allmost speechless 

when the time arrives.

They walk through the door, 

Mother puts them in a line

She makes sure they move along

A quick hug and it's "Next!" in line.

 

Mother parades them through

Quickly moving one after another.   

                 

The day will come. They'll see the light.

Darkness can envelope

Moving away as children develop.

You're just holding on,

Holding back years of tears.

Recalling abuse,

Mental, emotional & physical.

 

Concerned about 

being "watched", "

measured" 

and "evaluated" 

not just by "him", 

also by "her".

All you can say 

to each grandchild is 

"Any time", "Any time".

You wanted to talk 

with each one

but fear if you do 

they'll be removed.

You hold back tears, 

joy and sorrow, 

simply say "Any time" 

Some day will be tomorrow.

 

Whenever they're able, 

they can connect with you.

Once they leave, on their own.

You understand. 

None are "of an age" 

when they're not dependent 

on their parents. 

They don't understand 

this isn't the first time 

their father and mother

"removed" connectivity.

Always screaming how

"He" and "She" were abused

when he was the abuser

to three adult family members

and a very young sister.

It isn't me. 

It wasn't his father 

or his grandmother 

or his sister. 

We were his

"family of the past".

A high price to pay.

He'll see clearly some day.

He has a "master" to serve.

One who never will swerve.

He doesn't NEED OR WANT 

connectivity.....with reality....

with reminders...with truth. 

And so he strikes out  

with the only weapon 

he believes 

will do the most harm, 

be the most hurtful, 

as others don't seem to work.

Negating everything I've ever done.

Verbally abusing each and everyone.

Except of course for where 

Real responsibility sits in a chair.

When you learn of this 

"plan" for "re-meeting", 

you feel sick to your stomach 

worrying about how it will affect 

"the children" 

after so long a time 

without "talking with" 

their Nana and their Aunt.

How does your son

who mandated and enforced

this "no contact" ruling 

from his position of power

to control the minor children 

approach this meeting?

No way to know. 

Only to experience. 

To see how he and his wife 

"handle" the "meeting".

The hardest challenge 

was the "first" meeting 

of the youngest, 

now almost five, 

being told by his mother, 

"I want you to meet someone. 

This is your Grandmother."

What did his little mind think; 

how will he remember this meeting...

will he remember...

it's been many months 

and, of course, no other contact.

What brought on this "separation".... 

it started a few months after 

my husband, son's father's death.

I failed to exactly know

how many people would attend

A luncheon to honor

My husband, his Dad.

The other times it was striking out 

at all the adults in the household: 

his father, myself and his grandmother.

The son, of course, points a finger

only at me now 

because I'm the only 

one still living of the three adults.

Writing about these family challenges 

is draining and brings up more 

than I can cope with in one sharing session.

It's a dark story. 

It's a sad tale of how a family 

that was so close for so long, 

started and continues a journey 

where deception, 

abuse & control are prominent.

There's so much I don't understand

How people can put on a "face" 

to the world while being 

so very different in who they are 

and how they treat others.

Enough for now. 

I will not bow down 

To evil in any form.

I will take my life's journey 

where it should go 

rather than where 

it's been directed 

by other forces.             

Spoiler In The Deck

Parents are  given one chance, 

one lifetime, to do "our job". 

Raising those helpless, 

amazing infants 

who arrive in our lives.

Over whom we have 

little to less control 

as the years pass.

I really thought, 

given the same parents, 

lifestyle, advantages,

the "mold" would shape 

each offspring similarly.

People are individuals. 

What they experience, 

how they interpret life, 

decisions they make -- 

are variables.

We tried to "equalize" 

to ensure no child was 

"left behind".

One always pushed the 

"envelope of life"

Believing they were 

Always in control.

There were no "perks" 

for one over another.

Each was encouraged 

in their unique or similar 

interests and abilities.

Then they were "grown"; 

developed with support

into the ongoing 

process of each life step.

But how, some parents ask, 

can one be so "different" 

towards them from the"others". 

How can they twist truth 

about daily life -- 

as "they" experienced it?

Enter other influencers. 

Especially those 

with ability & capacity 

in bed and out.

 

A lifelong "soul mate"

with non-removable straps.

A manipulator

Never changes

It adapts, adopts,

Survives using deceit.

I'm happy, they say.

I love being used.

It helps me provide.

What I'm told to do.

Animals know their own smell

They bury it well.

Then covers what it produces

As the smell repels.

The closer you are 

The less you want to know.

Not wanting to be caught

In the growing web of 

Manipulation & Control.