My sons are moving along a similar path of life even though they'd probably dispute their lives were so much like ours.
They compare, compete and go out to ensure the family unit not only survives but thrives.
Their wives handle the homefront and participate in the business world while working hard and each of them have to work to find a small slice of life to set aside for themselves.
Where are they all running so hard to reach? What's their destination and when do they plan to "arrive"?
The women no longer have the choices they had in their early twenties when their worlds were so open, so many possibilities and so many decisions.
They conform to the mold of being part of a family; wife and mother head their list of responsibilities just as they did for me.
The men have "settled in" to being the "bread winner". The oldest is home, as he says, every night and the younger often finds himself travelling the world.
Both have adapted and adopted and created "the life" they want, they value and they recognize as being "in the best interests" of their family and its members.
Neither lifestyle is right and neither is wrong.
We gave them skillsets they've carried and neither truly recognizes as being "life and living" through our practices and beliefs.
Interestingly neither really fully recognizes the real gifts we gave them. Perhaps like so many others, they'll recognize them when we're both gone and just a memory, fading with each passing day.
Those who see, those who understand and those who verbally recognize often and sincerely, the struggles, the challenges, the focuses and the benefits a family dedicated to one another, all stages and ages of life, all ends of the cord of life stretched to include other family and friends, theirs is a life of true value.
We set the pace of the race and the boys and daughter are taking the hand off and entering the field moving forward, upward and onward as their lives pass through years and decades where they too wonder how quickly time passes.
The song is the same while the meter and the measure often vary.
We sing the song of life through generations.
Thursday, April 5, 2018
Sunday, January 28, 2018
Criticism, Critical Care, Critique
Looking back the words still sting.
Emails filled with accusations of incompetence.
Wild misstatements.
How could someone who lived in the same house as two other children at the same time believe
At the time I was barely coping. With two family members, husband and mother, both facing different yet similar life challenges,
He losing his physical abilities. She losing her mental abilities.
Where was the "coming alongside"?
Emails filled with accusations of incompetence.
Wild misstatements.
How could someone who lived in the same house as two other children at the same time believe
their life was so completely different
especially when that life paralleled his brother's?
At the time I was barely coping. With two family members, husband and mother, both facing different yet similar life challenges,
He losing his physical abilities. She losing her mental abilities.
Where was the "coming alongside"?
One visit during the 100 days? In Critical Intensive Care for his father?
I understand. He was working. He didn't have the advantage of traveling for business.
I understand. He was working. He didn't have the advantage of traveling for business.
Hundreds of miles between us at the time.
Phone calls were riddled with accusations.
Phone calls were riddled with accusations.
They were to question, to accuse, to find fault. and to let me know no matter what I did it was never enough, never the right way and always, always, in some way negatively affected him and his life.
That last phone call he had with his father. I walked in as it had ended. I watched my husband begin to sob and shake. He went from this to uncontrollable shaking and needing a Nurse to find blankets and administer meds.
He cried after ending the conversation when I walked in. I can't remember seeing my husband cry. I'm sure he did when his father passed as they were close and for his mother but not in this way. He seemed to be torn inside out.
My husband knew this son had ripped me apart on the phone and in emails. Even when I didn't share what was said, when he had bad days or when I thought it wasn't good to "update" him on all the verbal attacks the son had made on me and in so doing on him. We were abusers this son said.
Today I know it could have been different. We'd called this son after talking with the other and finding he could not help but his words were gentle, kind and wishing he could. We were going through every penny we had. Poor planning the oldest son said. We should have and could have done better all the years before, we were told.
Didn't matter through it all we ensured he, his brother and his sister and for a while a child we took in, husband's brother's son's child, was provided with food, clothing and education and more.
Didn't matter we survived at least once each decade odds that put others in far worse circumstances: his birth and necessity of medical care far beyond the insurance we had; his brother's birth and complications from a milk allergy; his sister's birth and taking in an extra person while helping with two college tuitions and so many additional costs; a fire and loss of seven years of what we'd accumulated; loss of a job and months trying to find another; economic losses from moving to another location in times when company's didn't cover the cost.
A long story. A life story. Always focused on family. Always focused on the son and the others but him first as the oldest. He set the way, we did not want to play favorites.
It's interesting now. He's shut us out. The two of us who remain of three of his immediate family. It's not the first time. He's played this "joker" of a card at least twice before or is it three times -- going through as much as we have I've lost count.
I can't be around his children. I'm the problem. His sister chooses not to be around him. She's not a child. She's an adult who's endured many of his abuses and wants no more.
I understand. This son once asked me since I'd said long ago how when he was born he "looked like" his Grandfather, my father, "how" he resembled his Grandfather now.
At birth this first born was bald and blue eyed -- just like my father. And I'd told him that several years ago. It's typical after birth to compare physical attributes to one or another family member and he was my "first" so that physical comparison was expected. Plus, my father passed.
Cancer of the lung, too many years of smoking and too much drinking, when I was in my first year of college. Even with the life we had together and what we went through apart, I still loved him and watching my mother cry after years of being divorced, when she was told of his death, I knew she did, too.
So many times I told him he wasn't like his Grandfather, my father, as my Dad was an abuser. An alcoholic. He couldn't stop. Once in a great while he'd try but he always returned.
"Don't reach in that trash can, little darlin" he'd say to me. "Dad's thrown away a razor blade and I don't want you to get cut."
Now, I didn't usually reach into trash cans around the house but I knew, even at less than nine years old this meant he'd thrown away another empty bottle of Hill & Hill, his whiskey of choice, cheap but able to give him the "escape" he needed.
No, my son, even when you went through your phase of underage drinking and the other questionable actions you took, I never compared you to him, I never believed you were "like him".
You see, as I've told you, my first born and my oldest son, I did what I did for you because I'd been told my father probably did what he did because he had no advantages in life.
Dad was intelligent, I was told by members of his family, but he had to work in the Barber Shop, take money home to the family, never able to go regularly to school and never able to feed his love of learning.
I vowed no child of mine would ever have to go through not having the opportunity and the best I could provide.
I lived my own life loving to learn and making sure, in a time when people my age were just starting to go to college in higher numbers, I was the first female and the second person in my mother and my father's family to go to college and I finished and I continue to learn.
I'm sorry for you, my son, as I've told you .... what is it now, going on five years...since you cut me off, for the third time, from any contact with "your family" and that includes your children.
You've had another child in that time. Believe he turns three this year or it could be four.
Interesting how life moves forward. You've told me how poor my choices were and how they created problems.
I noticed your wife wrote on the internet how she was surprised by this "late in life" addition. It had been what, six years, since your fourth was born?
I'd heard differently. I'd heard there was a request for a vasectomy and it didn't happen. That's a personal choice. Like so many we all make in life. And, like many choices, it can have unexpected or difficult challenges added.
You know, my son, I'm reminded how your father and I communicated. How we cared about one another and how he had once considered taking that action after your sister was born. I told him I'd be there with him if he did. And I would have. He didn't. We had your sister late in life; a true blessing as were our sons, you included.
Life is choices. Some good. Some may not appear so good.
What I value the most is the love we had and the support we gave one another and how as I approach, alone, this year of celebrating an amazing anniversary I wish was alongside him maybe taking a trip together somewhere or gathering the family together as we did when we hit that first milestone while you were in college.
But I'd do things differently. I've learned, you see, my son. I opened my heart and arms to the woman who became your wife and who, in my opinion, has split our family apart along with your willingness to let it happen.
I can bear this time. I've been bearing many "times" in life since I was very young. I don't like it; I wish it wasn't so and I'm concerned that what the two of you have done this time will have repercussions you cannot begin to imagine the longer you refuse to reconcile and remedy other actions you've taken to tear asunder what a power higher than you joined together.
I've gone through several years since my husband's passing and Mom's. Years when your coming alongside would have made the journey easier even in the most difficult of times.
You walk your path. I walk mine. As did your father with you.
Why? What cannot be mended and what cannot be fixed if LOVE is truly within us?
Criticism, critical care, critique. States of mind and states of living. For how long is in your hands, my son.
That last phone call he had with his father. I walked in as it had ended. I watched my husband begin to sob and shake. He went from this to uncontrollable shaking and needing a Nurse to find blankets and administer meds.
He cried after ending the conversation when I walked in. I can't remember seeing my husband cry. I'm sure he did when his father passed as they were close and for his mother but not in this way. He seemed to be torn inside out.
My husband knew this son had ripped me apart on the phone and in emails. Even when I didn't share what was said, when he had bad days or when I thought it wasn't good to "update" him on all the verbal attacks the son had made on me and in so doing on him. We were abusers this son said.
Today I know it could have been different. We'd called this son after talking with the other and finding he could not help but his words were gentle, kind and wishing he could. We were going through every penny we had. Poor planning the oldest son said. We should have and could have done better all the years before, we were told.
Didn't matter through it all we ensured he, his brother and his sister and for a while a child we took in, husband's brother's son's child, was provided with food, clothing and education and more.
Didn't matter we survived at least once each decade odds that put others in far worse circumstances: his birth and necessity of medical care far beyond the insurance we had; his brother's birth and complications from a milk allergy; his sister's birth and taking in an extra person while helping with two college tuitions and so many additional costs; a fire and loss of seven years of what we'd accumulated; loss of a job and months trying to find another; economic losses from moving to another location in times when company's didn't cover the cost.
A long story. A life story. Always focused on family. Always focused on the son and the others but him first as the oldest. He set the way, we did not want to play favorites.
It's interesting now. He's shut us out. The two of us who remain of three of his immediate family. It's not the first time. He's played this "joker" of a card at least twice before or is it three times -- going through as much as we have I've lost count.
I can't be around his children. I'm the problem. His sister chooses not to be around him. She's not a child. She's an adult who's endured many of his abuses and wants no more.
I understand. This son once asked me since I'd said long ago how when he was born he "looked like" his Grandfather, my father, "how" he resembled his Grandfather now.
At birth this first born was bald and blue eyed -- just like my father. And I'd told him that several years ago. It's typical after birth to compare physical attributes to one or another family member and he was my "first" so that physical comparison was expected. Plus, my father passed.
Cancer of the lung, too many years of smoking and too much drinking, when I was in my first year of college. Even with the life we had together and what we went through apart, I still loved him and watching my mother cry after years of being divorced, when she was told of his death, I knew she did, too.
So many times I told him he wasn't like his Grandfather, my father, as my Dad was an abuser. An alcoholic. He couldn't stop. Once in a great while he'd try but he always returned.
"Don't reach in that trash can, little darlin" he'd say to me. "Dad's thrown away a razor blade and I don't want you to get cut."
Now, I didn't usually reach into trash cans around the house but I knew, even at less than nine years old this meant he'd thrown away another empty bottle of Hill & Hill, his whiskey of choice, cheap but able to give him the "escape" he needed.
No, my son, even when you went through your phase of underage drinking and the other questionable actions you took, I never compared you to him, I never believed you were "like him".
You see, as I've told you, my first born and my oldest son, I did what I did for you because I'd been told my father probably did what he did because he had no advantages in life.
Dad was intelligent, I was told by members of his family, but he had to work in the Barber Shop, take money home to the family, never able to go regularly to school and never able to feed his love of learning.
I vowed no child of mine would ever have to go through not having the opportunity and the best I could provide.
I lived my own life loving to learn and making sure, in a time when people my age were just starting to go to college in higher numbers, I was the first female and the second person in my mother and my father's family to go to college and I finished and I continue to learn.
I'm sorry for you, my son, as I've told you .... what is it now, going on five years...since you cut me off, for the third time, from any contact with "your family" and that includes your children.
You've had another child in that time. Believe he turns three this year or it could be four.
Interesting how life moves forward. You've told me how poor my choices were and how they created problems.
I noticed your wife wrote on the internet how she was surprised by this "late in life" addition. It had been what, six years, since your fourth was born?
I'd heard differently. I'd heard there was a request for a vasectomy and it didn't happen. That's a personal choice. Like so many we all make in life. And, like many choices, it can have unexpected or difficult challenges added.
You know, my son, I'm reminded how your father and I communicated. How we cared about one another and how he had once considered taking that action after your sister was born. I told him I'd be there with him if he did. And I would have. He didn't. We had your sister late in life; a true blessing as were our sons, you included.
Life is choices. Some good. Some may not appear so good.
What I value the most is the love we had and the support we gave one another and how as I approach, alone, this year of celebrating an amazing anniversary I wish was alongside him maybe taking a trip together somewhere or gathering the family together as we did when we hit that first milestone while you were in college.
But I'd do things differently. I've learned, you see, my son. I opened my heart and arms to the woman who became your wife and who, in my opinion, has split our family apart along with your willingness to let it happen.
I can bear this time. I've been bearing many "times" in life since I was very young. I don't like it; I wish it wasn't so and I'm concerned that what the two of you have done this time will have repercussions you cannot begin to imagine the longer you refuse to reconcile and remedy other actions you've taken to tear asunder what a power higher than you joined together.
I've gone through several years since my husband's passing and Mom's. Years when your coming alongside would have made the journey easier even in the most difficult of times.
You walk your path. I walk mine. As did your father with you.
Why? What cannot be mended and what cannot be fixed if LOVE is truly within us?
Criticism, critical care, critique. States of mind and states of living. For how long is in your hands, my son.
Tuesday, December 12, 2017
And Life Goes On . . .
Where I have been . . . where I was .... where I am
Choices . . . so easy to analyze in the future you cannot see from the present where you are
Chances . . . taking risk, making decisions, believing in myself and . . .
So easy for others to negate. So easy to walk away.
Facing life is far more challenging than simply interacting .
Feeling like I'm on a carousel riding round and round, up and down with no stopping or starting just going in continual circles.
Reaching out into thin air with hand extended only to close on .....
Believing in tomorrow while honoring yesterday
Give it up, move on, look away . . . or silence, no support, no suggestions, no concern
Who Am I? Who I've Always Been. Different Now. Forever Changed.
Stepping into the future.
Eyes sometimes closed, sometimes squinting, sometimes wide open.
Listening. Talking. Sharing. Learning others walked a similar path and move down similar roads.
Who Am I? Who I've Always Been. Finding Myself. Again
Choices . . . so easy to analyze in the future you cannot see from the present where you are
Chances . . . taking risk, making decisions, believing in myself and . . .
So easy for others to negate. So easy to walk away.
Facing life is far more challenging than simply interacting .
Feeling like I'm on a carousel riding round and round, up and down with no stopping or starting just going in continual circles.
Reaching out into thin air with hand extended only to close on .....
Believing in tomorrow while honoring yesterday
Give it up, move on, look away . . . or silence, no support, no suggestions, no concern
Who Am I? Who I've Always Been. Different Now. Forever Changed.
Stepping into the future.
Eyes sometimes closed, sometimes squinting, sometimes wide open.
Listening. Talking. Sharing. Learning others walked a similar path and move down similar roads.
Who Am I? Who I've Always Been. Finding Myself. Again
Saturday, October 7, 2017
Dementia Goes By Many Names
Spreading the word about Lewy Body Dementia I've often explained the difference between LBD and Alzheimers as a line that's drawn like stair steps for Alzheimers and a scribble on a piece of paper with no visible beginning and no recognizable end for Lewy Body Dementia.
It's important we all stand up and speak out to raise awareness for Dementia and understand when we separate into "camps" of "types" we lose the ability to wage the major war necessary to stop its effects or even possibly end some or all of these Thiefs of Life.
Long Term Care Facilities and others need to step up and recognize the majority of their residents have some form of Dementia.
The tools we currently use to recognize Dementia are obsolete and the general population and even some medical professionals still believe the disease has to be overtly obvious.
This means the person has to demonstrate visible and possibly audible affects showing their mind is not capable.
My story, Her Story, is one of waging a battle against the status quo to move society into the brave new world of recognizing and realizing Dementia can be managed, can probably to some degree be detoured and may be handled without severe medical intervention but most importantly, MUST BE SEEN AND MUST BE RECOGNIZED.
ACCEPTANCE. Key #1
Focus on the person, where they are, with communication and compassion.
Understand the first line of defense is a community of support, a family that works with rather than administers or directs relationships along the way of life.
Those who listen, those who actively learn, make their path and the path of their loved ones less challenging and more rewarding.
LEARN ABOUT DEMENTIA. Key #2
We can learn more from networking and collaborating with agencies and organizations who have shown over the years to be "forward thinking" and effective in their ability to work with people with mental and emotional limitations.
TAKE/MAKE TIME. Key #3
Give your loved one and yourself time. In today's push-me-pull-you challenged society it's difficult but it's critical to a balanced life for them and for you.
UN-ISOLATE. Key #4
Dementia isolates. The person from themselves and the person from the family/care giver(s).
Sitting alone. Laying in bed. Staring out a single window.
Rights are important. Decisions should be honored.
Dementia is a medical challenge and with that comes responsibility to interact and assist.
DON'T DIRECT. INVOLVE. Key #5
Take cues from what you observe, listen to your tone of voice and move slowly and ensure you're in their line of vision, hearing and/or at their level and remember these "senses" may be affected by the Dementia and may vary.
The same great methods taught by leaders in the field of child and personal psychology can be applied with Dementia.
It's not an "I win" situation, it's a "we all win" plan.
LEARN AND PASS IT ON KEY #6
It's not easy. It takes time. You're busy. You have "a life". It's too far in the future. It may never happen....
We make time in life for what we value.
Qualify of life through the ages and stages is important to living together and living the solitary life.
We share this world and we affect what's been given to us by those who came before us.
Honor those going forward and moving quickly into the last of their time.
Push Forward in Social Media Key #7
Facebook, Twitter, whatever you use, wherever you post or speak out, add a line, a phrase, connect with an article.
The need to recognize DEMENTIA in all its forms is critical as is the focus and the collaboration of the organizations already established: Alzheimer's, Lewy Body Dementia, Parkinsons, etc.
Reach out and raise your voices to include those among the dozens of other types of dementia. Here's a list from the Alzheimer's Association of a few they recognize:
It's important we all stand up and speak out to raise awareness for Dementia and understand when we separate into "camps" of "types" we lose the ability to wage the major war necessary to stop its effects or even possibly end some or all of these Thiefs of Life.
Long Term Care Facilities and others need to step up and recognize the majority of their residents have some form of Dementia.
The tools we currently use to recognize Dementia are obsolete and the general population and even some medical professionals still believe the disease has to be overtly obvious.
This means the person has to demonstrate visible and possibly audible affects showing their mind is not capable.
My story, Her Story, is one of waging a battle against the status quo to move society into the brave new world of recognizing and realizing Dementia can be managed, can probably to some degree be detoured and may be handled without severe medical intervention but most importantly, MUST BE SEEN AND MUST BE RECOGNIZED.
ACCEPTANCE. Key #1
Focus on the person, where they are, with communication and compassion.
Understand the first line of defense is a community of support, a family that works with rather than administers or directs relationships along the way of life.
Those who listen, those who actively learn, make their path and the path of their loved ones less challenging and more rewarding.
LEARN ABOUT DEMENTIA. Key #2
We can learn more from networking and collaborating with agencies and organizations who have shown over the years to be "forward thinking" and effective in their ability to work with people with mental and emotional limitations.
TAKE/MAKE TIME. Key #3
Give your loved one and yourself time. In today's push-me-pull-you challenged society it's difficult but it's critical to a balanced life for them and for you.
UN-ISOLATE. Key #4
Dementia isolates. The person from themselves and the person from the family/care giver(s).
Sitting alone. Laying in bed. Staring out a single window.
Rights are important. Decisions should be honored.
Dementia is a medical challenge and with that comes responsibility to interact and assist.
DON'T DIRECT. INVOLVE. Key #5
Take cues from what you observe, listen to your tone of voice and move slowly and ensure you're in their line of vision, hearing and/or at their level and remember these "senses" may be affected by the Dementia and may vary.
The same great methods taught by leaders in the field of child and personal psychology can be applied with Dementia.
It's not an "I win" situation, it's a "we all win" plan.
LEARN AND PASS IT ON KEY #6
It's not easy. It takes time. You're busy. You have "a life". It's too far in the future. It may never happen....
We make time in life for what we value.
Qualify of life through the ages and stages is important to living together and living the solitary life.
We share this world and we affect what's been given to us by those who came before us.
Honor those going forward and moving quickly into the last of their time.
Push Forward in Social Media Key #7
Facebook, Twitter, whatever you use, wherever you post or speak out, add a line, a phrase, connect with an article.
The need to recognize DEMENTIA in all its forms is critical as is the focus and the collaboration of the organizations already established: Alzheimer's, Lewy Body Dementia, Parkinsons, etc.
Reach out and raise your voices to include those among the dozens of other types of dementia. Here's a list from the Alzheimer's Association of a few they recognize:
- Alzheimer's disease
- Vascular dementia
- Lewy Body Dementia (LBD)
- Mixed dementia
- Parkinson's disease
- Frontotemporal dementia
- Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease
- Normal pressure hydrocephalus
- Huntington's disease
- Wernicke-Korsakoff Syndrome
Here's a resource I like to pass along.
Feel free to copy and paste it when you help raise awareness and provide insight to:
Discover and Defeat Dementia
Tuesday, October 3, 2017
It's 2025: Run, Run As Fast As You Can.
Funny how many in their "middle ages" today run or bike or physically push themselves in sports chosen not as much for socializing but to try to stand out or show they can and will endure.
Are they running from something or towards something???
You can see personalities more clearly in those who push themselves to achieve . . . not just participate..
Could it be setbacks, disappointments, unplanned or planned life decisions not found to be as positive as expected are often the hidden challenges, the reason behind pushing for running longer, faster?
Running after a life where personal recognition through pushing just a little harder, just a little longer, just a little more can make the difference in self satisfaction and recognition by others of achievements missed in other ways, in other places, other times?
This passion for running longer and longer distances or faster and faster times or against their own "personal record" gives them a focus, a means to an end, a way they can express their "need" to achieve while life is usually pushing them backwards or sideways.
They live as other generations have, they acquire and find themselves with memories from a lifetime growing in length and depth and believe they're not as "possessive" as their parents and grandparents because they don't "collect" or "assemble".
It's fascinating how each generation believes they are so special, so different, so unique.
Realization often comes when they've moved down the road of life into the final years how similar, how much alike, how they've followed in the footsteps of those who came before them even if they walk the same paths, share similar experiences and see the horrors of "war" each generation believes -- it's different.....this time.
The newest two generations, Millennials and those who follow closely behind are experiencing the horror of unrecognized warfare in their homeland cities and states -- as the Baby Boomers did when three cities burned in the late 1960's.
Baby Boomers watched friends conscripted for a War that was undeclared, friends return without any "Welcome Home" as they were not the Heroes of their fathers' generation. . . IF they returned . . . and too many did not.
Broken apart by the mental and physical losses sustained by their brothers, cousins, friends, never to know or understand "why" and to watch as more challenges broke out, more losses were incurred.
Then there were the "wars" on the home front. The economic crisis that seemed to come regularly, once a decade, and not just minimize but destroyed savings, plans, the present and the future.
And now, the aging population is being "blamed" for NOT saving enough, NOT planning well enough. Some of their predecessors have "Pensions" but this "benefit" became a historical feature only available to certain categories and in fewer numbers.
Every decade from the 60's onward brought another severe financial challenge and many losses of the small amounts of "wealth" many accumulated.
Ask anyone who's had a child or family member with medical challenges how long their "savings" lasts.
The Greatest Generation struggled through not having food, clothing, places to live and The Great Depression. Society went through times where they supported one another. Sacrifices were commonplace and most did not regret what they "willingly" gave to parents, siblings and others.
Baby Boomers saw, heard and experienced corruption within which was harder to live through than the corruption in a common enemy beyond our borders because we could not see, could not affect and had no voices on cell phones or the internet to raise, to share and to lead in other directions.
They demonstrated and raised voices. Women went out to work to be turned away, turned down for upward mobility and simply told, as I was "I want a man in this position."
Have Times Changed? Or have they moved forward wearing different identities carrying similar challenges for another generation.
Run, run, as fast as you can but most will not be able to outrun LIFE, the unpredictable, the unplanned, the unwanted.
Are they running from something or towards something???
You can see personalities more clearly in those who push themselves to achieve . . . not just participate..
Could it be setbacks, disappointments, unplanned or planned life decisions not found to be as positive as expected are often the hidden challenges, the reason behind pushing for running longer, faster?
Running after a life where personal recognition through pushing just a little harder, just a little longer, just a little more can make the difference in self satisfaction and recognition by others of achievements missed in other ways, in other places, other times?
This passion for running longer and longer distances or faster and faster times or against their own "personal record" gives them a focus, a means to an end, a way they can express their "need" to achieve while life is usually pushing them backwards or sideways.
They live as other generations have, they acquire and find themselves with memories from a lifetime growing in length and depth and believe they're not as "possessive" as their parents and grandparents because they don't "collect" or "assemble".
It's fascinating how each generation believes they are so special, so different, so unique.
Realization often comes when they've moved down the road of life into the final years how similar, how much alike, how they've followed in the footsteps of those who came before them even if they walk the same paths, share similar experiences and see the horrors of "war" each generation believes -- it's different.....this time.
The newest two generations, Millennials and those who follow closely behind are experiencing the horror of unrecognized warfare in their homeland cities and states -- as the Baby Boomers did when three cities burned in the late 1960's.
Baby Boomers watched friends conscripted for a War that was undeclared, friends return without any "Welcome Home" as they were not the Heroes of their fathers' generation. . . IF they returned . . . and too many did not.
Broken apart by the mental and physical losses sustained by their brothers, cousins, friends, never to know or understand "why" and to watch as more challenges broke out, more losses were incurred.
Then there were the "wars" on the home front. The economic crisis that seemed to come regularly, once a decade, and not just minimize but destroyed savings, plans, the present and the future.
And now, the aging population is being "blamed" for NOT saving enough, NOT planning well enough. Some of their predecessors have "Pensions" but this "benefit" became a historical feature only available to certain categories and in fewer numbers.
Every decade from the 60's onward brought another severe financial challenge and many losses of the small amounts of "wealth" many accumulated.
Ask anyone who's had a child or family member with medical challenges how long their "savings" lasts.
The Greatest Generation struggled through not having food, clothing, places to live and The Great Depression. Society went through times where they supported one another. Sacrifices were commonplace and most did not regret what they "willingly" gave to parents, siblings and others.
Baby Boomers saw, heard and experienced corruption within which was harder to live through than the corruption in a common enemy beyond our borders because we could not see, could not affect and had no voices on cell phones or the internet to raise, to share and to lead in other directions.
They demonstrated and raised voices. Women went out to work to be turned away, turned down for upward mobility and simply told, as I was "I want a man in this position."
Have Times Changed? Or have they moved forward wearing different identities carrying similar challenges for another generation.
Run, run, as fast as you can but most will not be able to outrun LIFE, the unpredictable, the unplanned, the unwanted.
Tuesday, September 5, 2017
Come. Sit. Stay. An LTC Resident's Life Part 2
In many facilities the practice is
to ensure "resident safety" and that means "get them into a
wheelchair as fast as possible".
What
happens when a call light isn't answered from a resident who's semi mobile but
really needs assistance and can't wait any longer as it's already been twenty minutes?
Independent
as they want to be, limited as they are, they find a way to stand, usually
cannot balance and what happens is what's predicted -- THE FALL.
Repeat. Generate Report. Repeat.
Family and resident are "encouraged" to use a wheelchair.
Family members who are concerned may follow suggestions to "remove the walker" as "that's the problem".
Family visits occasionally but relies on "professional staff" for direction and "oversight".
Family and resident are "encouraged" to use a wheelchair.
Family members who are concerned may follow suggestions to "remove the walker" as "that's the problem".
Family visits occasionally but relies on "professional staff" for direction and "oversight".
After a few months the wheelchair
is ordered.
Mission accomplished.
Many Long Term Care residences do not have the time or the staff to "assist" residents and most families do not have the financial ability to augment and hire outside caregiver believing "the facility" is supposed to provide ALL services -- especially when costs are at $6,000+ per month/per resident for the "basic provisions".
Many Long Term Care residences do not have the time or the staff to "assist" residents and most families do not have the financial ability to augment and hire outside caregiver believing "the facility" is supposed to provide ALL services -- especially when costs are at $6,000+ per month/per resident for the "basic provisions".
In reality, Long Term Care has become the "shelving level" for
Seniors who are about to transition or who have transitioned into being
stationary or highly limited -- except for those who come in because it's the
only level of care Medicaid will cover.
It's the "haves" with the money or the family
support who can stay out of the "State Supported" system.
The rest move in and move on but few ever return to "outside living" because this is not a place to "rehab", this is not a place to "strengthen".
This is a place to sit, to stay and to come and go when you're told.
Some once highly capable, independent people, become social manipulators and users of people to ensure they maintain a semblance of autonomy until the time when their body and their mind no longer can assert themselves.
Like children and pets who want to "please" they come, they remain seated and they stay where they're told.
It's not a life any of us want for ourselves.
It's a life many are in and deserve better!
The rest move in and move on but few ever return to "outside living" because this is not a place to "rehab", this is not a place to "strengthen".
This is a place to sit, to stay and to come and go when you're told.
Some once highly capable, independent people, become social manipulators and users of people to ensure they maintain a semblance of autonomy until the time when their body and their mind no longer can assert themselves.
Like children and pets who want to "please" they come, they remain seated and they stay where they're told.
It's not a life any of us want for ourselves.
It's a life many are in and deserve better!
Sunday, August 27, 2017
The Hereafter: A Talk About AARP & All Ages
Daughter and I have had several discussions about THE HEREAFTER.
Not THAT "hereafter", the one that comes day by day, sneaks up on you and suddenly plunges you into the "Big One" -- Advanced Age & It's Challenges.
And, most importantly, what do we do, what do "I" do, will decisions today be valid ten or more years from now?
How do I decide when to say "when" or "enough is enough" if I'm able and how can I give my daughter the confidence and knowledge while keeping with MY desires, my wants and my needs?
Maybe you've been with a friend or relative and heard "the talk".
The one about "what are we going to do about Mom, Dad, Aunt Mary who never married and has no children .....
There are old wives tales shared about "the elderly" and whispers and sometimes a comment form a son or daughter announcing they HAVE to take care of MOM, DAD, AUNT, UNCLE or OTHER and just don't know what to do, don't know what to say and most of all don't really want... THE JOB OF CAREGIVER.
Life is interrupted when you have your first child. Ask any new parent. It's changed .... forever.
When you care for a loved one who has a critical illness or who has reached an age/stage where more immediate supervision and oversight are needed or even just checking to ensure "certain things" aren't overlooked -- your life changes according to the amount of time and caregiving you have to/need to do.
Doesn't matter how many "children" there are to "care give" and how the tasks are "split up".
There is almost always some level of resentment, some level of feeling taken advantage of and some level of wishing "it would all be over" sooner rather than later because life doesn't prepare us and we can't anticipate the unexpected.
It might not be constant, it may not be consistent but adjusting, negotiating with "your" immediate family members while negotiating with your "previous immediate family members" is another "to do" in a life usually filled with kids, school, activities, appointments, work, responsibilities and trying to carve out a little "life" for YOU.
IF ONLY. If only we shared with one another more directly what care giving is, how and where EXACTLY to look for help and if it were as easy as finding where you take your driver's license exam.
Yes, there are organizations. Been there. Done that. Did that.
Most are directed to specific areas of support, concern or medical afflictions.
They try to help with pamphlets and books and even with "counseling" but they aren't the ones "in the trenches" and getting all this information at a critical time when decisions and plans need to be made IS NOT THE BEST PLANNING, NOT THE BEST TIMING AND NOT THE BEST LIFE TO LIVE FOR ANYONE.
MAKE TIME. TAKE TIME. LEARN AND TEACH your children and others to look for information and plan for aging as much as they're being directed to plan for Retirement with savings and legal directives.
You're never to young to go out on AARP's website.
It has a wealth of information on aging and MORE --
Remember, we all need to be interested in legislation, research and protecting all ages and stages of life!
Not THAT "hereafter", the one that comes day by day, sneaks up on you and suddenly plunges you into the "Big One" -- Advanced Age & It's Challenges.
And, most importantly, what do we do, what do "I" do, will decisions today be valid ten or more years from now?
How do I decide when to say "when" or "enough is enough" if I'm able and how can I give my daughter the confidence and knowledge while keeping with MY desires, my wants and my needs?
Maybe you've been with a friend or relative and heard "the talk".
The one about "what are we going to do about Mom, Dad, Aunt Mary who never married and has no children .....
There are old wives tales shared about "the elderly" and whispers and sometimes a comment form a son or daughter announcing they HAVE to take care of MOM, DAD, AUNT, UNCLE or OTHER and just don't know what to do, don't know what to say and most of all don't really want... THE JOB OF CAREGIVER.
Life is interrupted when you have your first child. Ask any new parent. It's changed .... forever.
When you care for a loved one who has a critical illness or who has reached an age/stage where more immediate supervision and oversight are needed or even just checking to ensure "certain things" aren't overlooked -- your life changes according to the amount of time and caregiving you have to/need to do.
Doesn't matter how many "children" there are to "care give" and how the tasks are "split up".
There is almost always some level of resentment, some level of feeling taken advantage of and some level of wishing "it would all be over" sooner rather than later because life doesn't prepare us and we can't anticipate the unexpected.
It might not be constant, it may not be consistent but adjusting, negotiating with "your" immediate family members while negotiating with your "previous immediate family members" is another "to do" in a life usually filled with kids, school, activities, appointments, work, responsibilities and trying to carve out a little "life" for YOU.
IF ONLY. If only we shared with one another more directly what care giving is, how and where EXACTLY to look for help and if it were as easy as finding where you take your driver's license exam.
Yes, there are organizations. Been there. Done that. Did that.
Most are directed to specific areas of support, concern or medical afflictions.
They try to help with pamphlets and books and even with "counseling" but they aren't the ones "in the trenches" and getting all this information at a critical time when decisions and plans need to be made IS NOT THE BEST PLANNING, NOT THE BEST TIMING AND NOT THE BEST LIFE TO LIVE FOR ANYONE.
MAKE TIME. TAKE TIME. LEARN AND TEACH your children and others to look for information and plan for aging as much as they're being directed to plan for Retirement with savings and legal directives.
You're never to young to go out on AARP's website.
It has a wealth of information on aging and MORE --
Remember, we all need to be interested in legislation, research and protecting all ages and stages of life!
Saturday, August 19, 2017
Crossing Paths of Widowhood
Last time we were together was at her Retirement Party. Time before that was her husband's funeral; a death totally unexpected and sudden.
We'd exchanged a few on line messages but it had been two years since we'd actually spent some time together talking
I saw her across the room and thought, "she's changed" ... and "so have I".
Two widows who'd met serving as Board Members for an organization providing needed services to our growing Seniors population.
She was appointed, I was elected.
She represented a major company influential in providing services to the entire community while I was elected to represent primarily Seniors who used specific area Senior Centers funded by the State.
She's retired; I'm actively working.
My friend had news. She was moving to Florida. And, the big news, she was getting married again!
We have similar interests but we're also somewhat different.
I've not found a want or a need to consider finding someone to spend the rest of my life with.
I'm happy for my friend when I hear how her life changed when she lost her husband;
She'd taken her husband's death hard. She went to work, came home, fell in bed to sleep. It was another friend who finally reached through and brought her up and out of her depression.
My trauma of Mom's challenges and everything involved as detailed in this blog with the false accusations of Elder Abuse and the Undue Influence of Julia was my focus; that and financial survival without a job and having gone through almost every asset we had.
A son lived with her, he was in high school. Sons are different from daughters, most of them. Compassion and caregiving along with communication aren't as much a part of their "make up" as daughters.
I am thankful every day my "end child" was a girl.
Two sons were great. Companions for one another. Boys seem to "need" that when they're young. Like young creatures everywhere they're more physical, more needing "bouncing off" others.
Not meaning to be "sexist" in my statements, just observation of behavior of the majority within the groups and I know there are variations on the "theme" of sons and daughters.
My friend's son is older, he has a job and he's staying here. Her husband to be also has a son, finishing high school, ready to move out, ready to move on, has a girl friend.
Geography isn't a friendship breaker the way it could be years ago.
I recall moving as I grew up and not having the "life long" friends of those I met who'd bonded since "grade school".
I've been somewhat of a loner although valuing the friendships and relationships established along life's way.
My married life centered around my husband, his family and my family, his work, my work, the businesses we built together and being a multi generational family with my Mom joining us when our first child was two months old, and that included our "entertaining".
We often move through life changing while staying the same.
My friend is having work done on her home to prepare to sell it and buy a Condo in Florida. She went through a list of positives about moving there and they did sound good, I must admit.
She has someone. I have someone. Hers is building a new family; mine is continuing the multi generational family started decades ago.
Our lives move forward in somewhat different directions but the steps along the way have been challenged with that loss, that deep cutting removal. I understand her choices. She understands mine.
Relatively new friends in the measure of days of life brought together through a common interest and now building on another commonality with our life changes.
We'd exchanged a few on line messages but it had been two years since we'd actually spent some time together talking
I saw her across the room and thought, "she's changed" ... and "so have I".
Two widows who'd met serving as Board Members for an organization providing needed services to our growing Seniors population.
She was appointed, I was elected.
She represented a major company influential in providing services to the entire community while I was elected to represent primarily Seniors who used specific area Senior Centers funded by the State.
She's retired; I'm actively working.
My friend had news. She was moving to Florida. And, the big news, she was getting married again!
We have similar interests but we're also somewhat different.
I've not found a want or a need to consider finding someone to spend the rest of my life with.
I'm happy for my friend when I hear how her life changed when she lost her husband;
She'd taken her husband's death hard. She went to work, came home, fell in bed to sleep. It was another friend who finally reached through and brought her up and out of her depression.
My trauma of Mom's challenges and everything involved as detailed in this blog with the false accusations of Elder Abuse and the Undue Influence of Julia was my focus; that and financial survival without a job and having gone through almost every asset we had.
A son lived with her, he was in high school. Sons are different from daughters, most of them. Compassion and caregiving along with communication aren't as much a part of their "make up" as daughters.
I am thankful every day my "end child" was a girl.
Two sons were great. Companions for one another. Boys seem to "need" that when they're young. Like young creatures everywhere they're more physical, more needing "bouncing off" others.
Not meaning to be "sexist" in my statements, just observation of behavior of the majority within the groups and I know there are variations on the "theme" of sons and daughters.
My friend's son is older, he has a job and he's staying here. Her husband to be also has a son, finishing high school, ready to move out, ready to move on, has a girl friend.
Geography isn't a friendship breaker the way it could be years ago.
I recall moving as I grew up and not having the "life long" friends of those I met who'd bonded since "grade school".
I've been somewhat of a loner although valuing the friendships and relationships established along life's way.
My married life centered around my husband, his family and my family, his work, my work, the businesses we built together and being a multi generational family with my Mom joining us when our first child was two months old, and that included our "entertaining".
We often move through life changing while staying the same.
My friend is having work done on her home to prepare to sell it and buy a Condo in Florida. She went through a list of positives about moving there and they did sound good, I must admit.
She has someone. I have someone. Hers is building a new family; mine is continuing the multi generational family started decades ago.
Our lives move forward in somewhat different directions but the steps along the way have been challenged with that loss, that deep cutting removal. I understand her choices. She understands mine.
Relatively new friends in the measure of days of life brought together through a common interest and now building on another commonality with our life changes.
Friday, August 11, 2017
The Talk: Valuing Aging & The Aged
Aging is mostly hidden from Gen Xers.
The generation next in line to Care Give for parents and others.
Off on their own, many of them living far away from family and relatives, socializing with "their own kind" they seldom visit or interact with society's "aging population".
A new industry has grown and is booming based on this "abandonment" of a whole segment of our population -- Continuum Care.
You simply sell your home, move into a "condo" with "all the conveniences" and then advance at an unknown and totally unexpected faster pace into more and more managed care and less and less autonomy and freedom of choice.
OR DO WE?
Depends on how much we have to "invest" in the cost of living as we grow older.
What costs, you might ask?
Well, what does that contract say you're signing?
What adjustable rates are there for what services?
Is there a monthly fee?
As that residency "ages" just as you age, who's responsible for upkeep, maintenance and what kind of control do they have over those costs?
Many now advertise they have "stepped care" meaning you can continue to live with them no matter what your mental or physical care needs may be --- NOT QUITE TRUE.
If you require medical care beyond what the facility has available, cannot provide and you cannot provide at your own expense -- YOU MAY BE ASKED TO MOVE OR BE MOVED.
IMPORTANT: There are no blanket guarantees. Even with Medicaid, the facility Dr and others can "put together" paperwork that can affect the continuation of someone in a specific facility.
REMEMBER: One of our most difficult possibilities as we age is OUR MIND and how it determines what we say, how we act, what we do or don't do and what functions vary or fail and at what rate.
All ages need to be more cognizant of reality regarding residences and their actual practices and promises.
Each of these "care giving" centers, no matter how they advertise their services, are HOUSING & PROVIDING SERVICES for human beings who lose a great deal of self determination depending on the practices and legal inclusions in contractual agreements AND SHOULD BE HELD ACCOUNTABLE FOR PUBLIC DISCLOSURE OF ALL OF THESE FACTORS ON A YEARLY BASIS.
We brag about how the average life span is lengthening and how we're living "better lives" than our predecessors.
On a local TV program today, an "info-mercial", a local Financial Planner said the latest figures show the average life span is 86.
I think that may be a little high but it's still far higher than the age of 65 which was the determining point for Social Security being established as few lived to that point or longer back in the late 1930's.
We have Heart Disease, Cancer, Multiple Sclerosis and that most dreaded of all DEMENTIA .... but ...WE'RE LIVING LONGER!
Who prepares us to "care give" for our aging population?
Who educates us in what it means to grow old?
Who teaches us about aging as a process?
Who gives us the foundation to build relationships and responsibilities with and for those who have come before?
Schools teach us about who "WE" are.
We're taught how to navigate and negotiate through stages of OUR lives basically from the point we enter the educational system until we leave.
Sometimes we get limited education on working and socializing with others.
Rarely are we taught the importance of each age group in our society and how important it is to learn about and understand each segment.
We need to teach our children how the world is centered on ALL: Ages, stages, beliefs, concerns, languages, colors and contrasts.
To educate everyone that aging is normal, to be expected and accepted and to understand what may cause changes along with "aging" -- medical life events like a TIA or stroke, what Dementia really is and how to work with and through the challenges experienced, what accommodations can be made that make life easier and how they can be done and supported by everyone.
It took years for the founder of Paraquad in St Louis to get people's attention to the NEEDS of those with physical limitations and laws passed (like the handicap parking signs so common on parking lots and streets).
We need to grow in tolerance, understanding and recognize it's critical to talk, to plan and to start with our very youngest citizens to educate and develop concern beyond themselves, for others of all ages, stages and abilities -- or lack thereof.
Fear of the unknown starts early. Seeing and not understanding, not asking questions and finding answers causes us to look away, turn away and in the end seal the fate of today's generations and our own.
The generation next in line to Care Give for parents and others.
Off on their own, many of them living far away from family and relatives, socializing with "their own kind" they seldom visit or interact with society's "aging population".
A new industry has grown and is booming based on this "abandonment" of a whole segment of our population -- Continuum Care.
You simply sell your home, move into a "condo" with "all the conveniences" and then advance at an unknown and totally unexpected faster pace into more and more managed care and less and less autonomy and freedom of choice.
OR DO WE?
Depends on how much we have to "invest" in the cost of living as we grow older.
What costs, you might ask?
Well, what does that contract say you're signing?
What adjustable rates are there for what services?
Is there a monthly fee?
As that residency "ages" just as you age, who's responsible for upkeep, maintenance and what kind of control do they have over those costs?
Many now advertise they have "stepped care" meaning you can continue to live with them no matter what your mental or physical care needs may be --- NOT QUITE TRUE.
If you require medical care beyond what the facility has available, cannot provide and you cannot provide at your own expense -- YOU MAY BE ASKED TO MOVE OR BE MOVED.
IMPORTANT: There are no blanket guarantees. Even with Medicaid, the facility Dr and others can "put together" paperwork that can affect the continuation of someone in a specific facility.
REMEMBER: One of our most difficult possibilities as we age is OUR MIND and how it determines what we say, how we act, what we do or don't do and what functions vary or fail and at what rate.
All ages need to be more cognizant of reality regarding residences and their actual practices and promises.
Each of these "care giving" centers, no matter how they advertise their services, are HOUSING & PROVIDING SERVICES for human beings who lose a great deal of self determination depending on the practices and legal inclusions in contractual agreements AND SHOULD BE HELD ACCOUNTABLE FOR PUBLIC DISCLOSURE OF ALL OF THESE FACTORS ON A YEARLY BASIS.
We brag about how the average life span is lengthening and how we're living "better lives" than our predecessors.
On a local TV program today, an "info-mercial", a local Financial Planner said the latest figures show the average life span is 86.
I think that may be a little high but it's still far higher than the age of 65 which was the determining point for Social Security being established as few lived to that point or longer back in the late 1930's.
We have Heart Disease, Cancer, Multiple Sclerosis and that most dreaded of all DEMENTIA .... but ...WE'RE LIVING LONGER!
Who prepares us to "care give" for our aging population?
Who educates us in what it means to grow old?
Who teaches us about aging as a process?
Who gives us the foundation to build relationships and responsibilities with and for those who have come before?
Schools teach us about who "WE" are.
We're taught how to navigate and negotiate through stages of OUR lives basically from the point we enter the educational system until we leave.
Sometimes we get limited education on working and socializing with others.
Rarely are we taught the importance of each age group in our society and how important it is to learn about and understand each segment.
We need to teach our children how the world is centered on ALL: Ages, stages, beliefs, concerns, languages, colors and contrasts.
To educate everyone that aging is normal, to be expected and accepted and to understand what may cause changes along with "aging" -- medical life events like a TIA or stroke, what Dementia really is and how to work with and through the challenges experienced, what accommodations can be made that make life easier and how they can be done and supported by everyone.
It took years for the founder of Paraquad in St Louis to get people's attention to the NEEDS of those with physical limitations and laws passed (like the handicap parking signs so common on parking lots and streets).
We need to grow in tolerance, understanding and recognize it's critical to talk, to plan and to start with our very youngest citizens to educate and develop concern beyond themselves, for others of all ages, stages and abilities -- or lack thereof.
Fear of the unknown starts early. Seeing and not understanding, not asking questions and finding answers causes us to look away, turn away and in the end seal the fate of today's generations and our own.
Monday, July 31, 2017
Quick To Criticize & Find Fault
Interestingly, my oldest son, always quick to criticize and find fault with me, has told me we "never entertained".
As I look through pictures of so many holidays at our house with all my husband's immediate and extended family; birthday celebrations with parties for adults and children; weekend meals together with the three Grandparents.... I see a family joined together and lots of celebrating and sharing.
I was an only child, my Mom came to live with us two months after our oldest son was born. Long story. Mentioned in other entries. We were a multigenerational family for decades.
So, Mom was a part of these times and a major contributor -- she loved to cook and she loved to bake and it was her way of sharing love, caring and concern.
Oldest son says we "used" Mom. She was a "servant".
So sad the way someone who was not a willing participant, someone who continuously took rather than gave, can try to destroy the good in life, the love in life.
Oldest son wasn't there when his Grandmother passed. Daughter and I were. Youngest son was on the phone.
Mama was in bed, sitting up, off in her own world..... she sat upright, turning her body and moving, constantly moving her hands and her arms. She was "working", she was "doing something" -- she was preparing for something, for someone...... until we told her everyone was there she'd waited for and she could now go and join them ..... and she did.
Two completely different pictures; one from actual history, one from "construed" history to avoid facing the reality of a loving, caring home and a family that worked together, played together and cared about and for one another --- always.
Oldest son was never involved in all the preparation: house cleaning, purchasing and preparing food, gathering special items together and all the work (along with the joy) of "entertaining". Maybe he is now.
Maybe he's beginning to learn there's more to "entertaining" than people walking through your door and your "socializing" with them.
He just came, did what he wanted and left -- a guest rather than a member of the family.
We tried. We used the typical parental methods. And, as often happens you finally give up, decide it's not worth the time or the battle and just move forward.
We also had neighbors and other friends come to our home although not as frequently as family who shared our table, came for socializing.
We didn't sit and watch "the game" as my son does and so many others. We actually talked, we shared and we interacted.
That seems to be oldest son's measure of "entertaining": people other than family and watching sports on TV together.
From my point of view -- this oldest son always seemed to "disappear" when help was needed whether it was to do a chore around the house or help his Dad, Grandmother or me with something.
I remember so well the retaining wall that was coming apart and needed major work. My husband was the ultimate "do it yourself" person trained as a Boy Scout from Eagle Scout to Order of the Arrow.
It was "the way" in those days; it was survival through challenging times and it provided other uses for limited funds and time -- just like the clothing I described in the previous entry, Splitting Hairs: Practical and Planned
Oldest son worked for a short time, then disagreed with his father about the construction and instead of working it through, walked away to leave his younger brother and father to manage the lifting of very heavy blocks to levels above both their heads.
He disagreed with the way it was being constructed. So....he refused to help.
That 's a memory I have of him --- "my way or the highway" from his teens until today.
Truth be told, he was the one who usually "avoided" the household work and maintenance; the "bookworm" and "computer geek" with school, activities and so much more!
The younger son was more willing to help, more available and more concerned as he still is today.
We form our traits young; we are who we are and sometimes even the best parenting produces different types of people.
Compassion, consideration, owning mistakes and taking responsibility describes today the younger son and our daughter and lacking in the older son, unfortunately.
I often wonder how two sons with exactly the same opportunities and possibilities including education, activities and support, can be so very different.
I am blessed with two of three who listen, learn and share.
I have ongoing contact with three of my eight grandchildren; oldest son "removed" that "privilege" several times over the years. This latest event is going on its fourth year. More in another entry.
To those of you who understand from personal experience my concerns, feel my pain and heartache, please understand the importance of not always giving in to injustice and to those who would set aside right and do wrong.
His children grow older. I have these writings and I know my daughter and most likely my other son will carry the truth forward although I believe it will be my daughter who holds her older brother and his wife accountable.
As I look through pictures of so many holidays at our house with all my husband's immediate and extended family; birthday celebrations with parties for adults and children; weekend meals together with the three Grandparents.... I see a family joined together and lots of celebrating and sharing.
I was an only child, my Mom came to live with us two months after our oldest son was born. Long story. Mentioned in other entries. We were a multigenerational family for decades.
So, Mom was a part of these times and a major contributor -- she loved to cook and she loved to bake and it was her way of sharing love, caring and concern.
Oldest son says we "used" Mom. She was a "servant".
So sad the way someone who was not a willing participant, someone who continuously took rather than gave, can try to destroy the good in life, the love in life.
Oldest son wasn't there when his Grandmother passed. Daughter and I were. Youngest son was on the phone.
Mama was in bed, sitting up, off in her own world..... she sat upright, turning her body and moving, constantly moving her hands and her arms. She was "working", she was "doing something" -- she was preparing for something, for someone...... until we told her everyone was there she'd waited for and she could now go and join them ..... and she did.
Two completely different pictures; one from actual history, one from "construed" history to avoid facing the reality of a loving, caring home and a family that worked together, played together and cared about and for one another --- always.
Oldest son was never involved in all the preparation: house cleaning, purchasing and preparing food, gathering special items together and all the work (along with the joy) of "entertaining". Maybe he is now.
Maybe he's beginning to learn there's more to "entertaining" than people walking through your door and your "socializing" with them.
He just came, did what he wanted and left -- a guest rather than a member of the family.
We tried. We used the typical parental methods. And, as often happens you finally give up, decide it's not worth the time or the battle and just move forward.
We also had neighbors and other friends come to our home although not as frequently as family who shared our table, came for socializing.
We didn't sit and watch "the game" as my son does and so many others. We actually talked, we shared and we interacted.
That seems to be oldest son's measure of "entertaining": people other than family and watching sports on TV together.
From my point of view -- this oldest son always seemed to "disappear" when help was needed whether it was to do a chore around the house or help his Dad, Grandmother or me with something.
I remember so well the retaining wall that was coming apart and needed major work. My husband was the ultimate "do it yourself" person trained as a Boy Scout from Eagle Scout to Order of the Arrow.
It was "the way" in those days; it was survival through challenging times and it provided other uses for limited funds and time -- just like the clothing I described in the previous entry, Splitting Hairs: Practical and Planned
Oldest son worked for a short time, then disagreed with his father about the construction and instead of working it through, walked away to leave his younger brother and father to manage the lifting of very heavy blocks to levels above both their heads.
He disagreed with the way it was being constructed. So....he refused to help.
That 's a memory I have of him --- "my way or the highway" from his teens until today.
Truth be told, he was the one who usually "avoided" the household work and maintenance; the "bookworm" and "computer geek" with school, activities and so much more!
The younger son was more willing to help, more available and more concerned as he still is today.
We form our traits young; we are who we are and sometimes even the best parenting produces different types of people.
Compassion, consideration, owning mistakes and taking responsibility describes today the younger son and our daughter and lacking in the older son, unfortunately.
I often wonder how two sons with exactly the same opportunities and possibilities including education, activities and support, can be so very different.
I am blessed with two of three who listen, learn and share.
I have ongoing contact with three of my eight grandchildren; oldest son "removed" that "privilege" several times over the years. This latest event is going on its fourth year. More in another entry.
To those of you who understand from personal experience my concerns, feel my pain and heartache, please understand the importance of not always giving in to injustice and to those who would set aside right and do wrong.
His children grow older. I have these writings and I know my daughter and most likely my other son will carry the truth forward although I believe it will be my daughter who holds her older brother and his wife accountable.